Every August the backbreakingly heavy September issues hit the stands.  This year there is a slightly more hubbub surrounding the idea of The September Issue, due to the fact that a movie, inventively titled The September Issue, which deals, not surprisingly,  with the making of Vogue’s September Issue will hit theaters this…September.

You see folks, as one breathless editor in the movie-trailer put it, “September is like the January of fashion.”  It’s when we, the unwashed masses, get the first comprehensive editorial look at the fall collections which have previously only been available in the millions of photos and hours of video footage of Fashion Week for Fall/Winter ‘09. The magazine edition gives us a chance to gaze longingly at beautiful items and mentally spend our paychecks before they even arrive all while paging through fistfuls of advertisements.

Around this time of year every magazine, every style blog, newspaper and Entertainment TV show will be telling you what the Top Must Have Trends are going to be this fall.

Now I actually like some of the things that have been cited as trends for this fall: rhinestone jewelery, short leather gloves, over-the-knee boots.  I just hate the concept of the “must have trend”: its phony and based on the assumption that if marketers and editors and stores  can convince enough people to buy and wear something, it counts as a trend. It’s sort of like in Can’t Buy Me Love when, because Ronny does that African fertility dance (when he thinks he’s watching American Bandstand but is really watching the African dance program?) everyone else starts to do it too and by sheer force of will it becomes “cool.”

So we here at Broke Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website are gonna throw in a ringer: fake trends that we all will propagate the usage of, just to see if they catch on. Let’s-a-go!

Medieval Armour

Not like, a chain mail necklace, and not something with the “suggestion” of medieval combat gear, but full on, preferably authentic, medieval knight armor. It suggests “urban warrior” or “failed-economy avenger!”  It tells the world that you’ve got an ax to grind, probably in some guy’s face, and that you’re prepared to take the punk-leather-studded jacket look up a notch! Lift some from the exhibit of a local museum, visit The Halloween Adventure store, or even weld some yourself in a kiln.  Extra points for a helmet with plumage.

White, White, Blindingly White Skin

It may be a politically incorrect throwback to a previous era where women so desperately wanted to appear as though they had never even seen the sun that they powedered their faces with LEAD which eventually killed them.  But it worked for this guy! Just use Kabuki powder or something from the drugstore guys, not lead.

Pet Snake

“Oh you have a dog in your purse?  Yawn.  You have a rabbit on a leash?  Hmm…yeah, cute.  A pet ferret, huh?  I’m gonna get goin’…Wait..what the…what the fuck? Is that a fucking snake, dude?  Did that snake just come out of your bag, dude? Jesus Christ that’s insane, I mean that’s gotta be illegal but…hey, that’s a nice leash.  Leather?”

Burlap

Nothing says fall quite like heavy woolens, herringbone, tweed and corduroy.  In general, these fabrics are stitched together artfully with an eye for an elegant shape and silhouette.  But what if we did away with all that?  What if you took burlap-a material traditionally used to ship and transport harvest produce–cut it down the middle,  cut two armholes in it and then wore it as a JACKET and charges EXORBITANT SUMS OF MONEY FOR-oh, wait. It’s already been done

Actual Leaves and Harvest Vegetation

Lots of times designers will use certain colors, or fabrics to “suggest” fall: pumpkin colored sweaters, deep rust-colored tweed skirts, and brown leather boots.  However a true trend-setter knows that such vagueness is the sign of a weak and impotent dresser.  On your way to work take a quick roll in the leaf pile by the side of the rode for that romantic, tousled , leaves-in-your-hair look.  For a special occasion, staple a gourd or small squash to your ensemble in a non-traditional place such as just above the seat of your pants, or between your breasts.  Its sure to cause a stir this fall!

Avocado Green is the New Black

It’s univerally unflattering, makes you like you’re in a 70s dance troupe that travels throughout the Witchita public school system giving choreographed performances about good-touching and bad-touching and conjures images of the Brady Bunch’s kitchen.  What’s not to love?

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Tags: fall, fall fabrics and colors, fall fashion, fall fashion trends, harvest colors, the september issue, trends, vogue