It’s virtually impossible to sort through the endless amount of mindless romantic comedies produced in the past decade — they’re either almost indistinguishable from one another, or simply hard to ascertain which ones are more offensive than others.  Much has been written (this, this, and this being more to my point) about how and why most of these films being produced are horrible.  To narrow it all down a bit, I’ve only included the films that I’ve actually seen (at least in part) for whatever reason, and that were particularly offensive.  Though being bland in and of itself is pretty offensive, umm, it kind of makes my brain melt to even try and think of who the winner of a bland contest would be.  Oh, and putting Sex & The City on this list would be like shooting fish in a barrel, and I think everyone’s tired of hearing those arguments.

Ugh, I can’t believe I’m about to admit that I saw the following, but here it goes:

1. Love, Actually (2003)

This film contains not one, but two of my most-hated genres/themes: Christmas and shmaltzy so-called “romance”.  The most cringe-inducing parts are when the film tries to be “edgy” or self-aware, which simply highlights how completely out of touch the writing is and whatever the intentions were to make this fim in the first place.  Even the cover of this movie is revolting– this “gift” of banality apparently never stops giving.

2. Because I Said So (2007)

God knows why I even thought about watching this movie.  The worst part about is that you actually kind of feel bad that Bland-y Moore’s character has to be in the same company as the horrifically controlling and self-righteous stereotype of a mother played by Diane Keaton — whom is I guess is intended to be comedically endearing.

3. Bridget Jones’s Diary (2001)

Or as I like to call it, “Bridget Jones’s Diarrhea”.  I actually remember very little about this movie, except that the premise & characterizations were something out of a Cathy comic.  Plus, it stars Ashley’s favorite anus-faced actress ever, Renee Zellwegger.

4.  How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days (2003)

I didn’t actually watch this whole thing, but if there is any one movie I can think of that plays into the most hackneyed and vomit-inducing stereotypes about men and women, it’s this.  This film effectively erased any fond memories or inclinations I’d ever had of Kate Hudson as and actress.  Such blatant pandering should be punishable by excommunication from the profession of acting.

5. The Wedding Planner (2001)

Could Jennifer Lopez be any less talented at pretty much anything she does?  Well, okay, she was a great Fly Girl, I’ll give her that, and to be fair, it’s more the plot and writing of this movie that makes me completely sick.  Any movie involving weddings is already a red flag for me, much less some horrible piece of garbage that had the audacity to purport that it’s an inconcievable option for people to NOT get married.  Do me a favor, McConoughey, please DON’T get married, and stop participating in movies that encourage that kind of insane compulsion.  I liked it better when you were the creepy older dude who couldn’t stop dating high school girls.  Also, why the hell did they have to make Lopez’s character Italian?  Mary Fiore my ass.

6. Rumor Has It (2005)

No list of this kind could be complete without mention of Jennifer Bland-iston, Queen of Beige.  Again, I don’t remember much about this movie, other than that I was semi-forced to pay much more attention to it than I would’ve preferred, as it was the only movie on in the plane.  I remember the plot being pretty far-fetched and revoltingly taking place exclusively in an upper-middle-class white suburban bubble, all the while any of Aniston’s attempts at humor were just grating.  I kind of feel bad, because she’s actually a better actress than that, as I’ve seen her in a couple of good, well-writtten flicks.  She must either really be hurting to pay some bills or have abysmally bad taste.  Also, Kevin Costner?   Ew.

7. What Happens in Vegas (2008)

If Christmas is my least favorite theme, then any affiliation with the entire city of Las Vegas is a very very close second.  To look at this movie poster burns my eyes and makes me wish I had never been born, so I’m not even sure how I got through even the 1/4 of this movie I did see.  I think it was Lake Bell, mostly (and surprisingly).  But, Jesus H. Christ, the extent of the absolutely unrivaled and unchecked vulgarity that permeates every square inch of Las Vegas and subsequent “culture” of pathetically moronic middle class bland-os and their ideas of what constitutes as “fun” is enough to make me want to flee the country.  Add a little Ashton Kutcher to the mix, and you’ve got yourself a shit sandwich of a movie with a side of vomit, my friend.

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Tags: dating, movies, romantic comedies, sex