APB: Clorox Becomes Scatalogical Crime Fighter…And So Can You!!

 

This might be old news to some of you but the chance to win money never gets old:

 

Heeding the anguished calls and pee-dances of San Francisco homeowners and their construction crews alike, Oakland’s Clorox Corporation has decided to deploy its chlorinated missionaries across the bay and onto the City’s streets to educate the unwary populace of the murky firebug known as the TOILET TORCHER!! 

 

The scourge of Russian Hill outhouses has been on back page new for a while, but Clorox has decided to put its weight behind law enforcement to douse this serial blight for good.  In case you haven’t heard of this person, they have been setting aflame those outhouses (port-a-potties) stationed on sidewalks in front of houses under renovation.  Guess burning sacks of dog shit wasn’t exciting enough for the evildoer.

 

In case you still don’t care, which Clorox probably assumed many wouldn’t, they’re offering 5,000 smackeroos plus a year’s supply of toilet cleaning products as a reward to tips from, YOU- Joe Public, leading to the capture of this shit-stained scoundrel. So get out your binoculars Mrs. Kravitz!  You could stand to pad your purse and be sittin’ pretty on gleaming porcelain all in one fell swoop. 

 

I wonder if Clorox’s interest in portable toilet welfare will extend to employing their sanitizing technology in keeping them from being so bloody disgusting. Ah, to dream!

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About the author

Stephen Torres - Threadbare-Fact Finder

Stephen's early years were spent in a boxcar overlooking downtown Los Angeles. From there he moved around the state with his family before settling under the warm blanket of smog that covers suburban Southern California. Moving around led to his inabilty to stay in one place for very long, but San Francisco has been reeling him back in with its siren song since 1999. By trade he pours booze, but likes to think he can write and does so occasionally for people like the SF Bay Guardian. He also likes to enoy time spent in old eateries, bars and businesses that, by most standards, would have been condemned a long time ago.