By now, we’ve heard all about the Hipster Grifter, aka Kari Ferrell aka Korean Abdul “Jamar.”
You know what, though, kids? You don’t have to be a hipster (or a man) to get grifted (though it helps!). How can I, you ask, be cautious against being taken advantage of a la Hipster Grifter? Funny you should ask, because I happen to have 5 signs right here to help in your pursuit of grifter aversion. Anna G, hero of the everywo/man.
1. I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this, but if someone has a “joke”/trendy tattoo larger than the size of a finger, that person is probably insane. I don’t care how ironic it is, but I think if someone gets a tattoo JUST so that other people will find it amusing, that’s a pretty serious indicator that the person is desperately seeking the approval of others, and may do just about anything to fill the gaping hole in their self esteem. Including fucking you over, even while you’re doggystyling it and gazing lovingly at their “I Love Beards” tattoo.
2. This may seem obvious, but if your significant other, or girl/guy that you’ve just recently discovered that you want to bone, asks you to lend them an absurd amount of money right away (even if they SWEAR to pay you back), just don’t do it. Not only that, but the audacity of such a question or expectation should make their character come into question. Would you really want to date someone that expects such crazy things from you immediately? I don’t care how sweet that pussy/cock is (or how simultaneously macho and progressive that Asian girl will make you look), that grandiose sense of entitlement can go fuck themselves.
3. If someone at a bar passes you a note to the tune of “I want to give you a handjob with my mouth”, they’re either (1) drunk, or (2) INSANE, or (3) drunk AND insane. Look, there is nothing wrong with talking dirty to strangers, necessarily. But there is something creepy about people who try WAY too hard to cleverly or ironically do it. As my Gammy used to say, A handjob with the mouth is worth two in the insane asylum. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but the said blowjob is probably not worth it in the long run.
4. If someone you’re dating claims to have a terminal illness, do as much research as you can on it. I mean, don’t go through their garbage or diary or anything. But if this person mysteriously shows no signs of an illness, or happens to get “sick” at really convenient times (ie as a distraction to getting caught in another lie, etc), you’d better make sure they’re actually sick. Though, you may risk feeling like kind of a dick if they are. But, honestly, it’s better to be safe than cancer-scammed.
5. If someone’s lived in many cities in a short period of time, you should probably be cautious at the very least. I know people who move around a lot because of their job and are totally fine people, but most likely, there’s ANOTHER reason why they’ve moved so much. Kind of like when Charlie McKenzie thinks he’s married Mrs. X in So I Married an Axe Murderer. Sure, Sharon didn’t turn out to be the actual axe murderer, but her sister, Rose, did. And if Charlie hadn’t been so suspicious in the first place, Rose might have tore him up and no one would have been the wiser. Especially not Anthony LaPaglia., and then, I would’ve never gotten to see him reenact his Serpico police fantasy with Alan Arkin. Think about it, people!!
I know what you’re thinking. I -insert name here- am far too smart to be the sucker of some fly-by-night so-and-so. But, sometimes, the blood rushing down to your genitals can blind you to the obvious. It happens to the best of us (and the worst!). So do me a solid, and please be a little bit more careful next time, OK?