Every week we feature a different person from the community shedding a little light on their life of brokeitude. Who knows, maybe you’ll learn something about the human spiritâ€¦probably not.
Wanna be a Broke-Ass of the Week? Holler at us here and we’ll send you the questionnaire.
Paul T. Alkaly is not just any broke-ass, he’s a broke-ass extraordinaire and the original “correspondent at large”. For those of you who’ve read through the NYC book, you’ll remember him as my pseudo-sidekick and the guy who wrote half of the Willamsburg & Greenpoint chapter. If it was up to me he’d be writing for this site weekly, but for some reason he keeps turning down my entreaties (maybe it’s because I keep calling him a lazy fuck for not wanting to write more). Hopefully if you all write nice things in the comment section he will finally come around. I won’t hold my breath.
Name: Paul Todd Alkaly aka Mr. Cheese Fries
Age: 26 about to be 27!
Occupation: Computer repair technician
What neighborhood do you live in?: Greenpoint, Brooklyn
Best money saving tip: Get Cable TV! I never go out anymore! And since I don’t go out, I don’t drink. And thus I save money. Also, Californiacation on Showtime is Porn for women. Everyone sing, â€œ1-800-OK CABLE! I GOT CABLE!â€
What do you refuse to spend money on?: Condoms. â€œThey just don’t fit right girlâ€¦â€
Most expensive thing you’ve ever bought: I’m going to this fancy Brooklyn hipster salon called Woodley and Bunny to get my hair did. They wash you. Groom you. Give you some fine wine. It’s all about â€œchannel cuttingâ€ says my â€œstylist.â€ I like going there because when the super fine tattooed hipster bang girls cut my hair they lean over and I get nice frontal boobage. It’s the most play I’ve gotten all year…but the last time I went I got a dude. $90 later and I’m still broke and without a lady friend, but at least my skin is â€œglistening!â€
How’d that feel?: Extremely Hetero-Sexual.
Favorite cheap eat: Palace Fried Chicken in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. Abdul has his own names for all the regulars, usually based off an item from the extensive menu. My roommate is Ms. Chicken Nugget, because as Abdul states, â€œshe’s small like a little chicken nugget.â€ My friend Lucas is Mr. Italian Cheese Burger, â€œbecause he’s long, like Italian Cheese Burger.â€ I’m Mr. Cheese Fries of course. And when I order it’s always the same, â€œcheese fries for Meeeeesterrr Cheese Fries.â€ One time when I was ordering my cheese fries a man walked in behind me. Abdul belted out, â€œWelcome Mr. Sadaam Hussein.â€ I turn around and I am greeted with a spitting image of Sadaam Hussein al Tikriti himself. He then orders the â€œuno pollo con arroz y papas fritas por favor.â€ I always knew Sadaam would disguise himself as a Mexi. Duh!
Favorite dive bar: Turkey’s Nest. The best mix of weird old drunk people, hipsters and girls who want to fuck hipsters. They’ll give you a Styrofoam cup with a lid so you can sip that $3 32 ounce Miller High Life in the park. Plus they have NBA.
Best deal you’ve ever gotten: â€œI’ll show you mine if you show me yours?â€ DEAL!
Favorite free thing to do: Red Hook has a lot to offer on a sunny day in Brooklyn. It’s my ultimate cheap date. The best gourmet super market in the tri-state area is here right on the waterfront in an old warehouse dating back to the Civil War. The girls love to stroll though the Liberty Gardens and smell the flowers. GIRLS LOVE FLOWERS. You can watch a Futbul match at the Red Hook Recreation Center and all the families of the players have food stalls set up around the field. The ladies in the stalls keep calling me â€œa rapasâ€. It’s really fun to make out on one of the many docks and piers that jut out into New York Harbor each with it’s own unique view of lady liberty and the Manhattan skyline. The B61 bus takes you right there. And when you get too hot there’s a large air conditioned Ikea for you to troll about your wildest Yuppie dreams in.
If you woke up a millionaire, what’s the first thing you’d buy?: Testicular Rejuvenation. They’re getting low.
Despite not having money, do you still love your life?: Life is really fucking horrible. Why do we as a people even have to work? This is America Dammit!
Do you own my book?: Yes. You had to give one to me because I could not afford to buy one.
Are you a hipster?: I’m too fat to be a hipster. I guess that would make me a fipster.