The title of this post is pretty self-explanatory, I think. So here are the top ten individuals who I wish would disappear from this earth or at least this country’s media coverage forever and ever and ever, starting right now.
In reverse order, just like on Letterman!
10. Kim Kardashian.
We have had ample time to admire your admittedly remarkable posterior. But to be real, your sex tape with Ray J was boring and I have yet to see evidence that you have anything else to offer humanity besides looking like the unfortunate fruit of unprotected coitus between a Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit and a Gold’s Gym T-shirt.
9. Miley Cyrus
Enjoy it while it lasts kid, cause I see this in my crystal ball.
8. Katy Perry
I cannot for the LIFE of me fathom how and why you got this famous. All you did, to my knowledge was release a poorly-cobbled-together song with screechy vocals and a title that another song already had!! Like, 15 years ago!!! Yet, mystifyingly, the world cannot get enough Katy Perry! You’ve infiltrated the print and visual media to the extent that, despite my most valiant efforts, I now possess the knowledge that you have a cat named Kitty Purry. I fucking hate you.
7. Jimmy Fallon,
You, sir, are a disgrace to the medium of late night television. You make Carson Daily look like Johnny Carson and you make Johnny Carson look like Jesus, Buddha, Hunter S. Thompson and Mick Jagger all rolled up into one. Sometimes I sit around and wonder “Gee, I wonder what” ( insert Betty White/Gisele/David Blaine/Barack Obama’s names here) “is doing right now.” With you, I already know. You’re looking straight into the fucking camera and trying not to laugh. You’re a darsh.
You know what? I take it back. I like you, Lindsay, and it’s not just because the kids I baby sat for in high school made me watch your version of The Parent Trap eleventy million times. You’ve got moxie, kid and dammit if I don’t enjoy watching you crest the waves and sweep the valleys of the weight loss roller coaster you’ve strapped yourself into, seemingly for all eternity. I wish you’d have kept your original, gorgeous, red hair ,though. We have more skinny blondes in this country than we know what to do with. There’s a woman in my office who pays big money to get hair like yours and you know what? She can’t. She loos like Ronald McDonald’s chain-smoking Grandma who lives under the sea and has never heard of SPF. You’re sitting on a gold mine there, girlie, don’t be a fool.
You know what else? Right when Mean Girls came out I told people “she’s too fat for Hollywood- they’re gonna put her on a cocaine diet, just you wait.” Lindsay, being right never felt so wrong.
I know it’s not really a person, it’s more of a thing, but you know who makes things? People. And it’s time for them to stop.
4. Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga, I just don’t know. I started to write this and a wave of exhaustion engulfed me. Trying to explain to you how tiresome, over the top and irritatingly ubiquitous you’ve become is like trying to hold back the sea. It is a Sisyphean task and I haven’t got the stomach for it. But your expression right here pretty much sums it up for me. “Why, God? ?”
3. Everyone Who Has Ever Been on The Hills
2. Jon and Kate Plus Some Ho…
The first time I saw Jon and Kate Plus 8 was in a hotel room in San Francisco. I was drinking a beer in bed and flipped to The Learning Channel and was like holy shit these people are crazy. And then I got on with my life, fairly certain that only me, Midwestern housewives and people parked in front of the TV on life support had ever even heard of the show. Apparently, I was wrong. Apparently a show about an uber-religious couple raising a gaggle of young’uns is as decent tabloid fodder as any other. Kate Gosselin is the new Jennifer Aniston! Which brings me to number one….
It’s never going to go away, is it?