The arrival of the Jelly NYC Pool Parties can only mean one thing: it’s. fucking. summer! Contrary to popular belief, I’ve found that I’ve had way, way more fun, and been more happy about my life overall during the summers I’ve not been in relationships. The following exchange took place a few weeks ago at The Back Room between me and my friend Vince, who really said it all best (though I’m paraphrasing a bit):
Vince: Anna, you always seem to have some dickhead guy in your life. What happened? This is the happiest I’ve ever seen you.
Me: Well, I have a new amazing job, and absolutely no guy drama.
Vince: I think I just discovered the secret to your life.
Indeed you did, Vince. Indeed you did. Does one really need anything besides a great job a great city, and a decent apartment? Here’s what I sure as hell don’t need:
1. Sweaty people laying on each other.
Nothing disgusts me more than the sight of sweaty ass people laying on each other, like skin-on-skin. I think I hate it more than ketchup. Seriously, I wouldn’t even let the amazingly handsome and talented Mr. Robert Downey Junior himself lie on me on a hot and sweaty day. Seriously, these people make me sick, and if the possibility of this even enters my life, going solo is definitely the correct alternative.
2. Fighting in front of others
When you and your significant other fight, everybody loses. Not only is it an annoying situation for you anyway, but it makes everyone feel SUPER AWKWARD. I don’t care how great of friends you are, it’s just a weird and bad situation no matter what. Why would you want to waste your summer fighting with someone, when you can be out and about enjoying life, and um…NOT fighting?
3. Not going to awesome free shows or going to ones that suck
Really? You’re going to miss an awesome free show at the park because your lame ass GF or BF doesn’t feel like it and passive-aggressively says they don’t mind of you go ahead, though you know full well you’ll never hear the end of it if you do? So, you’re going to go see Phish instead of Grizzly Bear? L-A-M-E.
4. Homeland Insecurity
You know when your significant other asks you to “check in” with them while out and about without them because they’re too insecure to handle the fact that you might just want to hang out with other people aside from them? Yeah. If there’s one thing I can’t stand is the third fucking degree for no other reason other than the other person is worried about their dick size or whatever. I am so sick of men who need to be coddled constantly to be reassured that they’re like these macho warriors who hold the keys to life (aka their DICKS, I suppose). PICK A SIDE, CHET! You can’t have it both ways.
5. Not being able to hook up with someone who you’ve been sweating for a minute that is now finally single
Don’t you fucking hate that? Why is it that the second you are unavailable, that dude or girl you’ve been sweating for months is finally fucking single? It just goes to show you that you should never settle for anyone you’re only lukewarm about, even if the alternative is only slightly a better option. A better option is a better option, period. Just don’t commit to anything you’re not sure about!
6. Hanging out with other couples you hate more than your friends
First off, how lame is it to be pressured into couples-only activities in the first place? What is this, a senior cruise? I mean, why waste your summer hanging out with people you may only marginally like at best, just because they also have a girlfriend or boyfriend?
I think I’ve finally discovered my threshold of brain explode-y-ness. Manipulatively telling your girlfriend you think she’s fat is almost worse than directly saying it to her face. If ANYONE, especially your alleged significant other fat-shames you in any way, RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS. Call me crazy, but, I’d much rather be fat and single than date a fucking degenerate sociopath.
8. Awkward Summer Birthdays
Face it, you’re either going to let them down, or they’re going to let you down, no matter whose birthday it is. This is especially awkward if you don’t have a “label”, yet still feel obligated to attend or do something for their birthday. Just like Jello, there’s always room for misunderstandings and hurt feelings!