Welcome to the second installation of our three part series, Dolores Park Etiquette. This week we are focusing on Hipster Hill:
Dolores Park used to be for everyone. A place where hippies, junkies, hipsters, moms, kids, dogs, tennis players, garbage collectors, creepster wack job drum circles and everyone in between used to be able to hang out. And its not that they don’t anymore — trust me, I’ve seen more baby children get exposed to shit even I’ve never seen happen on any given weekend.
But truth be told, the hipster army has moved in, just like everywhere else in the Mission. But somehow, they can’t seem to take their bad and disgusting habits with them. Hipster Hill has become famous — it has been talked about, written about, visited and seen by just about every person in the city. Some may even contest it has become a bigger attraction than its Hippie ancestor. Nonetheless, this eventual toxic waste dump is a huge eyesore on the weekends, filled with stick thin trick cyclists, chubby bacon and Pabst enthusiasts and more crushed beer cans than any cleanup team could handle.
So, in order to fully experience Dolores Park in true trashy hipster fashion, here are a few guidelines we’ve set as a general bar. Whether you run under it, over it or into it is up to you.
–Bring lots of canned beer, particularly PBR or Bud.
–Buy one of these to totally make your cheap beer ironic…again.
–Never bring food. You wouldn’t want to gain all that weight back from the coke binge you had at Pops the other night.
–Keep your fixie close by; you just got those new, bright pink Fyxation tires put on and you’re trying to keep them as clean as possible.
–Bring an old boombox that you’re pretty sure doesn’t work, sounds horrible, but will look REALLY COOL. Your eardrums may start randomly bleeding when you’re 35, but who gives a shit, right!?
–Blast some Beastie Boys or anything equally as annoying coming out of blown out speakers.
–Randomly yell at girls and guys walking by, classifying them by the first thing you see through your drunken haze. Example: “Hey fixie!”
–Some topics of discussion: Veganism, your band’s big break [no, for real this time], the latest reviews on Pitchfork, how good your hipbones have been looking lately, the Ksubi sale on Haight.
–Make a slip and slide out of plastic garbage bags, create toxic sludge from sliding in beer, vomit, coke, shit and whatever else is out there already. But don’t clean it up — why in the world would you want to do that?
–Anytime you see an Asian person, just throw your recyclables at them. They collect that shit, right?
–Be sure to bring lots of condoms in case you hook up with some beezies — I hear they’re biodegradable.
–Whatever look you’re going for, don’t half-ass it. This guy sure didn’t
Will Hipster Hill always be a trash heap of too little clothes and too much Aquanet? Or should we all just join in and do bumps off each other’s knuckles and call it a day?
Additions to this list are greatly appreciated. We really want to know what you’re doing over there to make green grass look like the entire state of Texas took a shit on it.