Dating Lessons from Sue Ellen Crandell

I really cannot wrap my head around the fact that Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead was released in 199-fucking-1.  It was one of my most favorite (and repeatedly-watched) movies growing up, and through the years, I’ve found it to be time and time again my personal touchstone for all issues office-related.

But what of Sue Ellen’s most precarious dating life, you ask?  Let’s break it down and see what we can reap from the wisdom of Ms. Crandell:

1.  Grunion runs are the place to be……even though a horrendous cover of “I Only Have Eyes For You” plays in the background.

Especially when you’re a broke-ass, the beach is almost always a win-win situation in terms of a date destination.  Especially after dark.  It’s usually not crowded, you don’t have to spend any money once there, and, more often than not, it’s aesthetically pleasing.  And if there’s a grunion run?  Well, that may even count as a sporting event.  Plus, I always thought this was kind of a cute scene, with some great, real-sounding dialogue about being on the verge of college.

2.  Bouncing around on giant bouncy balls can be a fun date activity

This scene was probably put in there to emphasize that Sue Ellen is, after all, still a teen.  But honestly?  I would STILL think this is fun, even at my ripe old-but-newly-turned age of 27.  It’s bouncing!  At a toy store!  What’s not to like?  Oh yeah, and it’s FREE.  Just like their LOVE.  JUST. LIKE. THEIR. LOVE.

3.  “Well, I’d tell you more if you didn’t want to know so much”


This is when Sue Ellen decides it’s time to stop beng polite and start getting real.  I mean, though he IS kind of nosy, it is a little weird that she doesn’t just explain the whole thing to him.  Though I guess it does sound a little preposterous and morally questionable when explained all at once.  Anywho, I guess the lesson here is that sometimes, you need to draw boundaries with people if they’re too nosy….and you have a really good excuse, like candestinely burying your dead babysitter, faking your resume and giving Cathy your QED report while staying right on top of that, Rose.

4.  Who can resist a man in uniform that drives a clown mobile?

I don’t know who the hell this clownweenie thinks he is to crash Sue Ellen’s big presentation with a bullhorn, but that is mighty presumptuous of him, dontcha think?  He is only seventeen, though, so I guess I can cut him some slack.  And he’s certainly a better option than Bruce.  Which reminds me….

5.  Stating the obvious can derail creepazoids


How FUCKED UP was that one-way conversation?  It’s kind of idiot savant of her, though, to straight up be like “Are you talking about us having sex?”  Sometimes the only way to turn the tables is to simply mirror the ridiculously inappropriate bullshit the other person has somehow thought a good idea to utter.

6.  Covering up for creepaziods can only lead to an eventual supersoaker to the pants

Though Sue Ellen did exhibit some remarkable quick-thinking and tact by covering up the fact that Bruce had sent flowers to HER an not Rose, it ultimately encouraged Bruce to continue his pervy behavior.  But by the end, Swell had just about HAD it with him, so what else can you do but nail someone in the junk with a Supersoaker?  If there’s a better idea out there, I’d sure like to hear it.

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About the author

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.
  • P

    kick him in the nuts