What Your Dude’s Female Celebrity Crushes Say About Them

Sarkozy ogling, impactlab.com

This week, I’m arbitrarily judging your boyfriend and/or dude you’re seeing, at no cost to you!  You’re welcome!

Megan Fox


Yes, yes, we know, Megan Fox is terribly attractive.  But Jesus Frederick von Christ, how can one get past the whole “Please let me into your treehouse, boys” air she so desperately gives off?  You can’t be self-aware and ironic if you yourself actually buy into the crap regularly spewed by Maxim magazine and the like.  Dudes who like Megan Fox probably ACTUALLY get off on Girls Gone Wild.

Jennifer Aniston

Love Happens...to be the worst movie poster/plot/title EVER

You must really, really like the color beige and enjoy sports.  I feel kind of bad semi-ripping on Aniston, because she’s actually been in some good films (The Good Girl, Friends With Money, Office Space) and acted well in them.  But then it backfires, because then it’s like, WHY WHY WHY in god’s name are you making such horrendous movie choices (that goddamn Love Happens poster is slowly boiling my brain) if you KNOW you can do so much better?  It can’t be the money, which only leads me to conclude (on the little-to-no actual knowledge I have about her) that she must be complacent.  And nothing spells generic and mediocre like people who enjoy reveling in complacency.  Dump him now unless you share this pathetic dream.

Amy Sedaris


If you have actually found such a man that has this crush, then you, my friend, have quite possibly hit the proverbial “jackpot”.  Unlike other comedians who spend their time, much like Megan Fox, trying desperately for the boy’s club to accept them, Sedaris, on the other hand, boldly tells everyone to fuck off, because she’s going to wear some weird prosthetic face pieces and a fugly wig if you like it or not.

Scarlett Johannson


Boobs sex blowjob boobs boobs blowjob sex.  That’s it, really.  Pete Yorn, we’re on to your game, friend.

Alicia Keys


If your dude likes Alicia Keys, he’s either my Dad or Bob Dylan.  If it’s the former, STOP DATING MY DAD, YOU HARLOT!  So, yeah I don’t know why older semi-creepy dudes are so into Alicia Keys, but, really, just stop dating my Dad and everything will be okay.  Dylan on the other hand, I guess just proceed at your own risk.

Natalie Portman


Either he like beautiful, smart, classy girls (though, a little on the stiff side), or he’s a massive Star Wars nerd.  We report, you decide.

Gisele Bunchen


He likes physically perfect, but boring, and possibly borderline retarded.  So while you can never EVER live up to his standards of beauty (trust me, you NEVER NEVER will, no matter how much plastic surgery, etc you have…NEVER, okay?), you won’t actually want to anyway, because he’s probably incredibly dull and a little borderline retarded himself.  Your personality is a terrible thing to waste.  Just let him continue to jerk off to Victoria’s Secret catalogs and move on.

Crystal Renn


Your dude truly does like “curvy” (i.e. over size 4) women, and doesn’t buy Gisele falling into this category, no matter how many times the media tries to say this is the case.  Gisele is not fucking  curvy, OK?  She’s just not emaciated, which, last time  I checked, does not automatically make one “curvy”.  Anyway, though he’s probably not going to be an asshole if you gain 5 lbs., he might prove himself to be a dick if you lose weight and your boobs drop a cup size.  Basically, this dude is either open minded when it comes to what he’s attracted to, or might just really be into boobs.

Katie Holmes


There is an idea of a guy who likes Katie Holmes.  Though he can hide his cold gaze and you can shake his hand and feel his flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense that your lifestyles are probably comparable, he is Simply. Not. There.   Run while you still have the use of both your legs.

Photos courtesy of Impact Lab, Eco Jotter, The Petite Sophist, Now Public, News Blaze, Pop On The Pop, Jet Society, Bohemea, and Babble

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About the author

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.
  • Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

    I’m a total ‘mo and I’d still bone down with Amy Sedaris. I met her at her book signing and gave her a framed picture of us photoshopped together. She said she was going to put it in her apartment and tell everyone I’m her fiance. I don’t care if it’s been three years, she’s gonna call me.

  • http://brokeassstuart.com Broke-Ass Stuart – Editor In Cheap

    The pic of Obama checking out the girl’s ass is priceless! Let’s hope the right doesn’t start a crusade about it.

    also, I just don’t get his whole thing about Gisele. Sure her body is great, but her face? Meh.

  • Joe K

    Obama was proved to not be looking at the ass on video. But Sarkozy totally was.

    What if I hated Strangers with Candy, and just think Amy Sedaris is horribly unfunny? This article comes off as hating every other woman. Jennifer Aniston is what she is, but I can’t really fault her as a person. Scarlet and Alicia have strong bodies of work.

    Also, did you just call your dad “semi-creepy”?

  • Anna G – Caliburg Contributor

    I don’t know how anyone could hate Strangers With Candy, but that’s your bag, friend. I don’t hate every other woman on this list, because I don’t even know them.

    Scarlett Johansson may have made stronger choices in movies than Jennifer Aniston, but a great actress she is not, in my opinion. And I think Aniston can do better than the crap she keeps doing.

    I wasn’t trying to discredit Alicia Keys as an artist, I’m more just calling my Dad and Bob Dylan out for being creepy. SUPER creepy, if you prefer.

  • Chloe

    scarlet jo is such a bad actress she is barely believable when cast as a human.

  • Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

    has anyone else seen the nightmare that was scarlett johansson’s crossover attempt?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nLoG6_imrKY

  • Anna G – Caliburg Contributor

    I just think “ScarJo” is ummm…limited.

  • Erica

    I’m going to become a more frequent commenter so that I have some credibility when I demand the following: a parallel post from a BAS-dude-writer that involves David (von) Hasselhoff (also maybe Robert Redford & Paul Newman, but I”m not being greedy). I think the world has a right to know.

  • Anna G – Caliburg Contributor

    Well, Erica, it just so happens that I was actually planning on doing a dude version. But if any BAS guy writer wants to take that on, I’m all for it.

    Also, Erica, I heard a rumor that you’ve “Hasseled” the Hoff in the past. I’m just telling you what I heard.

  • Matt G

    Actually what really happened is the young lady in the purple dress tripped over one of the steps and the president, being the man of great morals and concern for others was making sure she had the opportunity to right herself and not fall down. But thanks for spinning it to look like he’s some sort of perve.

  • http://brokeassstuart.com Broke-Ass Stuart – Editor In Cheap

    If you haven’t noticed this entire website is made up of giant pervs. You’re either with us or against us. :)

  • Lois

    I’ve always been a fan of plus-size models! There’s a great site with many images of Crystal and other plus-size models here:

    http://www.judgmentofparis.com/

    They’re all gorgeous.

    The site’s forum also has thought-provoking discussions about body image and the media.

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  • R

    You forgot Rashida Jones.