SF: 5 Different Dudes, 5 Different Districts

A survey taken in San Francisco has shown a curious pattern of women being able to constantly predict their male partner’s personalities according to their districts, reports say. The write-in survey, given randomly at 10 different outposts within San Francisco county lines, has had an overwhelming response. Women ages 18-45 were chosen to participate in the poll that contained no pre-requisites and allowed women to answer freely. Listed below are the most popular answers from the top five districts that garnered responses:*

No bro, YOURE you the one whos so fucking money he doesnt even know it. pic from tressugar.com

No bro, YOU'RE you the one who's so fucking money he doesn't even know it. pic from tressugar.com

1. Marina
Generally, evenings begin with the female being asked to display her “rack” as a surface for heavy drug use, and ends the next morning with their hair product supply ravaged by men doing their best walk of lame. Trust fund babies, in the prime of their pre-conditioned wealth, run rampant in this part of town, and compete based on such criteria as their latest Ed Hardy gear, SUV ownership, beer pong scores and just how much they paid for their real estate. A large amount of women also reported small penis sizes, overwhelming amounts of vodka consumption and overpriced sporting gear bearing The North Face and Patagonia logos. When rating their lovers on performance, most women ranked Marina males as “reminding them of their fathers.”

Were not hipsters.  Hipsters would never wear this much color.

We're not hipsters. Hipsters would never wear this much color. pic from trueslant.com

2. Mission
Mission men are characterized by their large consumption of beer that often winds up moving through a blizzard. Women generally were treated well, but pre-emptive dates were often paid for by the females. Tight jeans, abundant facial hair and whiskey dick were the most common similarities. STD transmission was also at an all time high, which some credit to the amount of unprotected sex that takes place in various bars around the district, including Pop’s and Delirium. Performance wise, men ranked fairly except for the body odor category — not showering was a problem among males.

Were weed gets legalized were gonna dance just like this, but stoneder. pic from ranchobozo.com

We're weed gets legalized we're gonna dance just like this, but stoneder. pic from ranchobozo.com

3. Haight
The most environmentally conscious of the group, men of the Haight-Ashbury district were considerably more mellow and relaxed than their predecessors. Women reported intensely high amounts of marijuana consumption and reggae listening, as well as more free-trade, organic products than any other district households reported. Topics of discussion included Noam Chomsky, legalizing marijuana, hiking, legalizing marijuana, biofuel, legalizing marijuana and Burning Man. Women reported problems with men reusing condoms from previous trysts, claiming they were “trying to turn their sex life green.”

Ladies, you didnt really think we were interested in you did you?

Ladies, you didn't really think we were interested in you did you? pic from Miami Herald

4. Castro
Castro men were often the most well-rounded as reported by their female counterparts. They were attentive, cultured and great listeners. Though women were, on the average, attracted to the male they were seeing, nearly all women confessed to awkward conversations later on regarding the put-off of sexual activity. In addition, Nearly all women reported that the men were often not sexually aggressive and that they did not receive calls for a second date.

Wanna come back to my place? I live right by here.

Wanna come back to my place? I live right by here. pic from Tenderblog

5. Tenderloin
Though the female comments on the Tenderloin were fewer than any other district, they were also the most interesting. Most women said the drug use of many of the Tenderloin’s residents was off the charts, and included everything from methamphetamines to inhalents. Surprisingly, their sex partners had admitted to doing everything from sex acts to body research to pay for their habits. Dive bars like The Brown Jug and the Ha-Ra were where most rendezvous began; almost all of them ended in neighborhood alleys. Most women claimed that they did not return for a repeat performance.

*Disclaimer — This article and its facts are indeed fabricated and we mean no harm in printing them. More or less, we’re just trying to get you through the weekend. So laugh your ass off, dipshit.

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About the author

Monica Miller - The Intern

Ms. Miller was born in San Diego, CA to one lesbian mother and one righteous, cheap father. Currently, she is enrolled at San Francisco State University for a B.A. in Journalism and the approximate completion date is around 2015. She has worked for many papers in the Bay Area, including the Oakland Tribune and the San Mateo Country Times and is currently the city editor at one of the most underappreciated publications in SF, the Golden Gate [X]press. Though she may find bargains aplenty, it only stems from the necessity of never landing an actual job and working for hacks [like Stuart.] With intelligence, style, poise, bite, and honesty, she will rip your heart out; but not before writing some awesome, poignant shit. This year, she is looking forward to bigger and better things such as: trying to get paid for a gig, actually finding a date that isn't a loser or fucking crazy, not calling her parents when hungover and bringing you the best of the 7x7 everyday of the week. [By the way, I wasn't kidding about the date thing; if you love food, booze and shoegaze, get at me.]

2 Comments

  1. Elan Gaite says:

    Is there anything wrong with needing a nice “rack” to use as a springboard for a night of self-indulgence? I think not! Knock off the E and get a grip! Get it …gripe….hahaha…next “rack”!

  2. Erik Kolacek says:

    This is a dead-on depiction of shit I’ve experienced.

    Probably a little more more charitable than I would have been – especially the part about Mission d-bags and STDs. I dunno if it’s Plan-B being so available or what, but nobody seems to take condoms seriously any more. I’d rather slam my dick in a car door than unzip in the nasty air at Pop’s.

    Really good job Monica…again.

    Erik.

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