It’s never a good idea, especially if you’re expecting to get laid, to have one of your first (or even fifth) date interactions directly after a movie like Antichrist, Schindler’s List, or Blue Velvet. Don’t get me wrong, Blue Velvet is a great movie, but it might be a “too much too soon” situation with you date. In fact, in a story I heard very secondhandedly: some guy went on a date with this girl, brought Blue Velvet to watch with her at her house, and after not making one peep the entire movie, after it was through, she simply asked him to “please leave now”. Now, that’s a bit extreme, but I can see how it might make one uncomfortable if one doesn’t know the other person too well. And with the former movies I mentioned, well, you simply just have bad taste in movies, which for me, at least, is a total bonerkiller. Fear not, however, as I have created a list of semi-fool-proof movies you should always have in your noggin for reference when in doubt:
1. Before Sunrise
Unless you cannot stand Ethan Hawke, Julie Delpy, or people talking to each other, there’s no possible way that watching this can go horribly wrong. It’s a movie about young adults going abroad in Europe and having an amazing “live-in-the-moment” kind of night that can only happen in your 20s. It’s romantic, without shoving it down your throat in various shades of beige, a la Jennifer Aniston/Matthew McConaughey.
2. Point Break
Crazy but true, this movie literally has something for everyone: (1) homoerotic undertones, (2) hilarious Keanu and Swayze-isms, (3) hysterically acted action scenes with some Red Hot Chili Peppers, (3) surfing and hot surfers, (4) robberies, (5) skydiving choreography, and (6) Gary Busey. If your date doesn’t like this movie, they simply have no sense of humor, and/or a coal where their heart should be.
3. Wayne’s World (1 and/or 2)
Is there a person on this great giant green globe we call earth that does NOT like this movie? Would someone please tell me? Because I’d really like to know. Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, “It’s OK, I don’t mind, I don’t mind”? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
4. The Virgin Suicides
True, it is a bit of a depressing movie/story (hence the word “suicides” in the title), but it’s so visually beautiful and fantasy-inducing that you can’t help but take some of that dreamy world with you after watching. Plus, that Josh Hartnett is a fucking stone fox, despite the hilariously bad wig. I saw him out at brunch one time, and forgive the TMI, but I think my panties were literally moistened the second I laid eyes of him. Sorry again for the graphic nature of that sentence, but take it for what it’s worth and use it to your advantage! With your date, that is.
5. Brokeback Mountain
Again, though this movie is definitely sad (and even sadder now because of what became of Heath Ledger), it remains for me, an incredibly beautifully directed and acted (for the most part) film. If possible, try and view it during the fall or winter, in a cabin while wearing plaid and facial hair. Did you hear that, y’all? That is literally all it may take to get me in bed. So, who’s to say there aren’t any other similarly minded hoez? And I mean that in the nicest way possible.