So y’all ready for this? Ok. So when I had Time Warner Cable I was pissed off all day long. The Bills! The service interruptions! The profoundly inept customer service! Everytime I stared at the screen willing the little arrow to stop turning and for my program to finally be accessed I would angrily clench my fists and picture Ted Turner sitting up in his fancy office, cowboy boots on his desk next to his glass of single malt, twirling his mustache and laughing that awful laugh of his just really thoroughly enjoying the way he was ripping off hardworking people like myself who had no choice but to use his service because of New York’s weirdo monopoly on cable providers.
So now that I’ve moved, I have a whole new appreciaton for Time Warner because NEWSFLASH, GUYS: Comcast sucks even worse. Sure the service is more functional and the employees more competent but the guide thing sucks, it takes about 30 keystrokes to access Mad Men from the OnDemand menu, and–worst of all-when you fast forward through the commercials on something that you DVR’d it doesn’t stop when the program comes back on! So, inevitably, you’re fast forwarding through a whole mess of the show that you’re actually trying to watch because you didn’t get a chance to hit “stop” in time and, well, that ain’t cool.
But one thing about Comcast is cool. It’s very cool. It’s maybe the most amazing thing I have ever seen on my own television set.
It’s the Adult Entertainment movie guide, guys, and it’s blowing my fucking mind.
Every day as I zip through the TV Guide channel listing section searching for an old episode of Beverly Hills, 90210 or JAG, I am literally stopped dead in my digital TV tracks by the titles of some of these pornographic films, such as “Black Booty Diaries” or “’08 Palin Erection”, par example. Like, what the fuck ? Really? Is this some sort of wonderful joke?
The sad part is, as delightful as the titles themselves are, because I don’t pay for these channels, I am unable to read the descriptions for the films which are undoubtedly even more hilarious. So, as a fun exercise in depravity, I have concocted the descriptions in my sad little brain. Heres what I think each title would be about.
PS these are all actual titles of porn films that are on my Comcast video guide at this very moment. These are 100% real and not fabricated at all , I swear on the life of this puppy.
Pit Stop Hotties:
A bunch of busty, lusty board certified mechanics take a break from a busy day on the Indy 500 circuit to cover each other in edible motor oil when two boys from the racetrack unexpectedly arrive!
Three horny coeds stranded on a desert island when their Spring Break Plans go awry get quite a helping hand from the island natives who are drawn in by their sexy smoke signals!! You’ve never seen a pineapple do this before!
All Crazy Big Boobs
A group of young men at an elite prep school are inspired by the unorthodox educational methods of their teacher played by Robin Williams…with giant breast implants!
24 Hour Slut Sex Fest
What started out as a charity dance-a-thon takes a a decidedly erotic turn when the punch is spiked, soft funk music is turned on and a bunch of young blonde women with fake boobs and no pubic hair turn up. Yowza!
Amateur Poon Ride
The professional Poon Riders didn’t show up, but that doesn’t stop these hot and horny amateurs from making a go of things on their own! Strap on a helmet and buckle up cause this is one Poon Ride that hasn’t been vetted by the parks commission!
Big Jugged Sluts
When they aren’t using their huge jugs to lug dirty lake water over hills and fields to the small cleaning plant in their indigent South American village, these sluts are down for absolutely anything!
Horny Bank Teller Booty
Well this one kinda sold itself, didn’t it? Much like the hottest, horniest, low interest equity loan around! Zing!