It’s a crazy world out there, and to paraphrase Cartman clowning on Ferris Bueller, many people think life goes pretty fast, and if you don’t stop and look around once in a while and do whatever you want all the time, you could miss it. So, it’s to you people to whom I dedicate this post.
1. Approaching someone else while your ex is in a 10 ft. radius
Though this is probably a lose-lose situation– I mean, your ex will hate you (and maybe even punch you in the face..true story!), and the other person might think you have a bit of an ego– maybe, just maybe, you might be able to redeem yourself later by being honest. I mean, it is kind of a tempting situation, power-wise, but let’s face it, it doesn’t paint the best picture of you as a person, even if you come clean about it. And yet…there’s something kind of appealing about it if you’re “the other” girl/guy. Just a little bit. EEEV-ILL!! Like the fru-its of the dev-ill.
2. Picking a fight
This one is tricky. Though fighting is an inherently passionate act, the other person might actually become really offended and cross over to really hating you, as opposed to being stimulated and having strong feelings pulling them both ways at the same time. Basically, you have to know when to stop AND when to not be a pushover. Because there’s nothing worse than someone who either always disagrees or agrees with every single thing you say.
3. Throwing balled up napkins at the other person’s head
Yes, I actually did this once. No, I don’t know what I was thinking, and no, I don’t usually try to act like I’m five years old. I guess my logic was, hey, if I can’t get you to notice me by being my usual self, I’ll MAKE you take notice, taking a page from the long and rich tradition of insects. However, I have to say that definitely “got” what I “paid” for, ifyouknowhatimean. And I think you do.
4. Dressing up like a lumberjack and/or Paul Bunyan (and not necessarily on Halloween)
It’s a conversation starter, a role playing device, and a very convenient outfit if you happen to be approached with a wood-chopping situation at the same time. What do you have to lose? Actually, I guess there is no bad part about this pick up method.
5. Drinking a bunch of Sparks (back when it had caffeine) and talking someone’s ear off
There is definitely such a thing as going too far and talking TOO much. And, yes, again, I believe this is something I’ve been guilty of. In fact, I don’t even really need Sparks to annoy and bore people, but the point is this: people who don’t like to listen to you talk can go fuck themselves. If they want to date a someone who doesn’t talk and is devoid of personality, they might as well just get one of those Real Dolls.