Heyo sportsracers (TM Ze Frank) the DIY Diva here, fresh from a fan-fucking-tastic weekend in the Windy City.
Actually, I’ve been back for two days. Though I found that traveling on a Monday made me forget that the day existed and I’ve been about a day behind on all of my weekly tasks. Including writing this column.
Back to point: This weekend was fan-fucking-tastic with the exception of one thing — teenage antics. By actual teenagers and some lame ass adults.
Disclaimer for Ms. A: You are a seriously wonderful kid overall. All teenagers are jerks. I was a jerk, your Mom was a jerk (I think) and this is normal.
In five years you’ll be so awesome people won’t be able to be in your presence you are so righteously cool… trust me. This column is not a criticism of you, just an observation of GENERAL teenage behavior. Just wanna make sure your feelings aren’t hurt by what comes next.
I stayed in Chitown with my beloved Auntie and her 15 yo. daughter. I love my cousin A to pieces, but man does she have a bad case of the teenages. The thing about teenagers, not just A, is that they are seriously narcissistic. Because the world supposedly revolves around them, when it stops on its axis there are massive cows pitched by most red-blooded teenagers in an attempt to get their way. My cousin A had a couple of doosies this weekend.
They try yelling, crying, screaming some more, manipulations, bribery and general stupid shit to turn the tides in their favor and get their way. It’s stupid because none of those tactics work. Most people figure this out by the time they’re adults… But, not all adults do…
This weekend I was also witness to some epic adults-stuck in teenage brain space shit-fits. I saw bad behavior on the El and in a bar and in a coffee shop and just by some drunk hooligans to some poor woman walking down Diversey Street.
So, in the interest of expanding beyond crappy crafts, cooking and travel advice I thought I’d try something new this week. I am 21 years older than A and have learned a thing about human behavior since I was 15. I thought I could share what I’ve learned about stupid public shitfits AND how to get what you want in most situations without having one with all y’all:
PART ONE – Shitfits you should *nevereverevernever* have in public
There is a lengthy list I could cite for this. Here are the ones I think are most crucial to avoid:
-Never argue with a cop. They have a gun and handcuffs, even if they’re wrong, they win.
-On the same note, don’t take the piss out of someone mugging you or pointing a gun at you… for obvious reasons.
-If you’re trying to slide a fake ID past a bartender or bouncer, accept defeat gracefully when they bust you. Don’t stand there and argue with the bartender like I saw this dude at Delilah’s in Chicago do this weekend. Um, hello – having underage peeps in your crib costs most bartenders a ticket of at least $1,500 and possible shutting down of the bar (which usually leads to said bartender getting fired). Bartenders aren’t going to risk that because you want booze and they have it.
-Don’t fight with your significant other in public… it’s tacky.
PART TWO – How to get what you want 90% of the time.
One thing that people who pout, whine and throw shitfits do not realize is that it is entirely possible to get your way 90% the time if you go about it in a clear-headed, non-emotional, rational way. Here is how I get my way most times when there is a conflict in my immediate life:
-Don’t try to discuss getting what you want when you or the person you want it from is pissed off.
-Don’t be a shrieking harpy. ‘Nough said.
-Don’t be a bitch, bitch! The adage “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar” is 100% true. If you’re nice about trying to get what you want, you are more likely to get it in the end. If you’re a bitch… well you may still get your way, but people will post videos showing what a nasty bitch you are.
-If you’re in customer service and someone’s being a bitch TO you, don’t be a bitch BACK. (Because people are dying for a reason to hate your ass anyhow, even kind Christians like this blogger.)
-Ask don’t tell. Simple enough.
-If asking hasn’t worked, present a logical breakdown of why the person you’re asking should comply with your request.
-Give as good as you get. No one wants to give a greedy asshole who never helps or gives back their way one more time, you know?
-DO NOT POUT if these tactics don’t work. You win some, you lose some. Next time you’ll probably get what you want. It’s not if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game. And, being a sore loser isn’t cool, kids.
-If all else fails, try bribery. Sometimes this one works.
Enough with trite adages. I’ll be back next week with something cool to make.
Read more of Kate’s random ramblings on her blog.