To paraphrase Troy McClure in the Planet of the Apes Musical, in my dating life, I’ve definitely felt like every ape from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z– uh, so to speak. Specifically, there have been times where I’ve let a relationship go on for too long because of my ridiculous fear of breaking up with people, second guessing myself, or sometimes, a retarded combination of the two. Sometimes I need to give myself a “pep talk” of sorts to really just to go through with it And now I’d like to share my pieces of advice and words of break up motivation with all you brokeasses out there, so that s/he will NEVER MAKE A MONKEY OUT OF YOU (because oh my god, you were wrong [or were you?], s/he was a jerk all along)!
1. DO NOT second guess yourself (always go with your gut)
You can’t control the way you feel, so why even try to deny it? If you’re not into someone, or if you just get an inexplicable bad feeling about them (maybe it was that serial killer joke?), there’s really no going back from that. Use this as your fuel to push you over the edge, should you feel yourself pussing out.
2. Think of the worst thing they’ve said to you
You know when you’re afraid of something or you’ve experienced a trauma & you keep replaying the situation uncontrollably in your head? Well, I clearly do…but this time, use your mental illness-y tendencies to your advantage! If you can drive yourself crazy with replaying the “greatest” hits of Bobby Q. Dickface, the breakup world is your oyster!
3. Consider Off To Sea by Love Grenades your personal anthem
Seriously, this song was like MADE for situations like these. Fuck, Love Grenades is like the fucking shining epitome of how awesome it can when one is a single woman. While you’re at it, listen to Black & Gold by Sam Sparro. Just pile it on, guys, I fucking love it!
4. If your most trusted friends think s/he’s a jerk, they’re probably right
Plus, it’s kind of awkward to continue dating someone your friends dread and/or loathe being around. Stop apologizing him/her away, and cut that shit out of your life. Your friends really shouldn’t have to suffer for your mistakes, nor really, should you. At least not for way longer than after you’ve learned your lesson about dating socially awkward manipulative pseudo-sociopathic sneaky man-children masquerading as misunderstood-and-brooding-yet-charming artists. Not that I would know or anything.
5. Don’t allow for much conversation
Breaking up with someone is a decision, not a negotiation. The less talk, the better. Just do it and move on. There’s nothing else that needs to be said after you say the magic words. Keep calm and carry on, as the British Government of WWII would say.
6. Don’t drink beforehand
It’s a myth to try and “calm down” or “man up” before having this sort of talk. It’s best to keep as clear headed as possible. However, if you’re in a very desperate situation, you may have to take anything you can get to GTFO.
Bonus (Only allow in the case of a real piece o’ work): If you have to let him/her think it’s his/her idea that they’re the ones breaking up with YOU because they’re THAT insecure/immature, then just let them do it. It kind of takes the pressure off you a little bit, and if you think about it, it’s a totally small price to pay for dodging a piece of shit-human-shaped bullet like that. Plus, you’ll have yourself a great story and/or writing material for later. Everybody wins!
In conclusion, I leave you with this (my Springerianian Final Thought, if you will): You can talk, you can talk…you can SIIIING!