In the second installment of the bus etiquette series we’re going to cover quite a bit. We’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll discover our bodies. I hope you’re ready for this adventure. I know I am.
1. Greet the bus driver.
Turns out that’s not a robot driving the bus, it’s a human being. I didn’t believe it at first either, but I tested this theory by saying hello and I got a very warm hello back. That’s when I realized these people have probably lived an entire life. They remember the feeling of waking up to their mom making Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes on Sunday mornings, they’ve had the flu and thought it was a fart but it was actually diarrhea, and they have feelings, just like me. Obviously the last one was a joke, but really guys, just say hi and you might not be one more person to put a dent in that driver’s day.
2. It’s none of your business.
It is never, and I mean never okay to read over someone’s shoulder. Whether it’s a book or a cell phone, just keep your eyes to yourself (or on the guy’s balls on your neck if it’s rush hour). If you’re writing a text and realize there’s a creep lurking, I’d suggest writing “Man, this total vag is reading over my shoulder right now.” It makes for an awkward bus ride but it gets the point across and is a great little conversation starter if they end up being hot.
3. You are required to move for seniors and people with disabilities.
Are we actually at a point in the world where we need someone over a speaker to tell us that? I was pretty sure this was common sense, and still all the time I see some teenage whippersnapper facebooking from his Dingleberry while Granny’s holding on for dear life. If you’re under the age of 50, get up and give your seat to that rusty bag of bones.
4. If you do have to soil yourself, do it tastefully.
I actually saw this one a few days ago. A really dirty, hairy guy was stumbling up and down the aisle on the 33. Somehow his eyes were looking in three different directions at once and suddenly, the entire bus turned into his personal port-a-potty. All of the riders were screaming “this isn’t right!“and opening every window possible. He got off at the next stop and I couldn’t deny that it was one of the best moments of my life. The man had timing, and for that I will forever hold him in a special place in that gap where my heart used to be.