Dozens Enter Panic After Tooth Bandit Strikes

I think this might be my dad

Officials have released a police sketch this week of the man known as The Tooth Bandit who allegedly terrorized Elena Aronson by stealing her two front teeth. The suspect was said to have made several comments to the woman while riding the MUNI referencing her teeth and saying “I want them.” When the victim fled, she says she suddenly regained consciousness missing her prized set of chomps while profusely bleeding from her mouth.

This story has sent MUNI riders everywhere into a state of paranoia that they too may be attacked for their grills. “It could have happened to me,” says close friend and bus patron Frances Hall, 23. “Because of this monster, I’m afraid to smile while I ride the bus. I’m afraid.. to love.” I didn’t have the heart to tell poor Franny that she’s free of any danger thanks to coffee stains and a snaggletooth, but it’s clear that even the homeliest of people are feeling threatened.

If we allow this man to instill fear in our everyday lives, then the dental predator has won. If there is one piece of advice I can share with the MUNI riders of San Francisco, do not engage in illicit and provoking behavior. This includes eating apples, chewing gum, picking hair out of your mouth, or even THINKING about Hilary Swank. You wouldn’t take a hungry orphan to a buffet and tell them not to eat anything, would you? Of course you would, and that’s why I love you.

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About the author

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"
  • SOFA KING WE TOD HEAD

    Cool article! Thanks for the heads up.