Things to Retire in ’09
I had promised myself I wasn’t going to do an end of the year list, but sometimes it’s important to acknowledge our low points in culture so that we may never repeat them again. 2009 had a lot of highs and lows, and of course Twitter and other social media networks perpetuated trends and stories like wildfire. How else can you explain Balloon Boy and the mass hysteria over Swine Flu, although I blame the networks for that one. So before I start to bitch about Lady Gaga, here’s a few things I think we can all agree can be left behind in ’09.
This word will not die, it seems, ever. Older women will always be attracted to younger men, I mean “The Graduate” came out in 1967, but you didn’t see Anne Brancroft wearing a push-up bra and making animal noises did you? I don’t know where the word came from but if we could all collectively retire the word officially, I think we’d all be much better off. Or why not adopt a term for the cougar’s male counterpart, a “manther” perhaps. Or we could just say fuck-all to these stupid animal analogies and Courtney Cox will have to find herself another show to display her botox prowess.
When gas prices went off the charts and airplanes started charging extra for just occupying space, people resigned themselves to staying home for vacation. This is obviously nothing new since being broke spans the decades, but we never had to attach a cutesy word to hide our backyard shame. Every magazine jumped on the “staycation” bandwagon, listing things to make staying home more exciting. ‘Buy a hammock!’ they said, ‘inflatable palm trees!’, said another. So if I put tiki torches in the parking lot that was my backyard, it would magically transport me to Sandals resort. So in 2010, scrape a little money together, couch surf or slap down your credit card and treat yourself to an actual vacation. Because even when you kick back in your own home, shit like this will happen.
I think most people over the age of 16 were over the Twilight phenomenon before the movies even hit theaters. Granted, audiences have always been fascinated with these supernatural characters, there was Interview with a Vampire, Buffy, Teen Wolf etc, but never had these creatures been given the teen heartthrob makeover and been shown ripping off their shirts and glittering in the moonlight. Even Brad Pitt’s turn as vamp was more about throat slashing than brooding in the corner. Now I’ll admit to watching True Blood religiously, but I can only abide this genre when it falls into two categories, campy or horror. Otherwise we’re stuck with a million CW teen-vamp drama spin offs. Let’s just bury this genre for awhile and the word ‘fang-banger’ with it shall we?
The Year of the Douche
We thought the worst was over when Von Dutch clothing started showing up at goodwill, and Marc Ecko started shuttering stores, but for every streetwear brand that goes under, there will be a fashion luminary like Ed Hardy to take its place. Blame Christian Audigier, or Jon Gosselin, or just blame L.A, but unfortunately the Ed Hardy brand has gone global and along with it, the lifestyle it advertises. One could even call 2009, the year of the douche, since rarely do they shine so much in the public spotlight. Jersey Shore ratings are through the roof, Axe continues to make young men everywhere smell like date rape, and shows like Tool Academy make the job of “reality star” something kids now aspire to. Supposedly the participants on these shows are in on the “joke”, but the more you watch these shows, the more airtime these assholes will get. They’ve even taken the word douche bag itself and made it their own. So I’m going to do my part and stop using the word douche altogether, start a big bonfire and burn any Ed Hardy I can get my hands on, and write a note to Sailor Jerry, that reads “sorry, for everything”.