Now, I’m not talking about one of those retarded apps that gives you pick up lines for whichever stereotype Axe body spray/Amp/whatever 13-year old boy product that thinks of itself as “edgy” that various women fall into. Rather, these are a list of other types of (free, no less) iphone apps that you may not necessarily think of as a typically aid in one’s dating or sex life:
Sit or Squat
Have you ever been in a panic to use the restroom, but don’t necessarily want to use the one at your date’s apartment for fear of any of the wide variety of horrifically embarrassing and gross potential things that could go wrong with doing so? Maybe you don’t have much time to go from store to store, desperately begging storeowners to just let you go in their employees-only bathroom? Then, this app, friends, is for you. Yes, this is an app created by/for Charmin, but once you get over this fact, it’s an amazing app that shows you where the all closest public bathrooms are located in relation to where you are, googlemaps style. Never pee, poop, or change your tampon in fear again!
FMC stands for Female Menstrual Calendar. For any woman who’s been to the doctor more than once in her life, it’s always handy to have the first day of your last period on hand. But not only does this app allow you to track the timing, severity and duration of your period, but it can also be used to track when and if you’ve had sex on any given day. There’s even a drop down menu for unprotected vs protected. The best feature, though, is the section where you’re allowed to write free-form notes. Overshare #1: I use this section to track whom I’ve had the pleasure of “having”, how many times we’ve engaged, along with some inside joke to myself about the person or the experience that I can laugh about later, because that’s just the kind of asshole I am. If you’re the type of semi-freak who likes to keep track of that sort of thing, this app works way better than say, oh I dunno, an excel spreadsheet, for example. Firstly, you always have it on hand, and secondly, you run little to no risk of someone “accidentally” stumbling upon it, as (1) very few guys would feel inclined to look under anything vaguely period-related, and (2) password protecting your phone is essential for pre-emptively counteracting any potential “riflers” in your life.
Overshare/thing you probably don’t want to know #2: I have a pretty regularly irregular period, and so it’s a monthly event that I freak out about being pregnant, regardless if it makes any sense or not, timing-wise. This calendar placates at least some of my irrational fears, as not only can you see when you last had your period, last had sex, but it also tells you, in accordance with the pattern of your cycles, when you’re ovulating.
If there’s something that gives you more “cred” with your date than being able to cook, I’d really like to hear it. Picture it: you’re heading over to your date’s house and they suddenly call you, declaring: “I sure wish there was a place we could order decent fish tacos from in my hood. Damn you, New York City and your especially sub-par Baja cuisine!” You bust out your Big Oven app, beepboopbop “Fish Tacos”, buy all the ingredients listed, and follow the recipe once you arrive at your date’s house. Who’s the big winner here? Both of you, technically, but you, my friend, are the one who has saved the proverbial day. Also, no, the humor is not lost on me that I went from talking about menstrual cycles to fish tacos.
Urban Daddy’s The Next Move
I suppose this is a more traditional dating app, as it’s essentially just a guide/suggestion wheel of fortune, if you will, based on which neighborhood you’re in, which day of the week it is, what time it is, what you feel like doing, and who you’re with (there’s even a “mistress” option, for I guess those who wish to be discreet). Not only is this is a good way to get to know different neighborhoods and places you haven’t been to, but it solves the whole ridiculous “Where do you wanna go? Oh wherever you want to go. No really, I’m down for whatever”-spiraling “dance” of hell. Once and for all, you can just make a fucking decision and just blame it on technology if it doesn’t go well. Oh, and there’s a “surprise me” button if you’re feeling saucy.
To Do List (Lite)
Though pretty straightforward, I would argue that this app is more useful for the active multi-tasking dater– a practice that calls for, nay, DEMANDS air-tight organization. The really neat part about this app is the way you can label, prioritize, and set alerts for various items. For all those excel freaks out there like me, you can even export your lists as CSV files. SWOON!
Offender Locator (Lite)
Though this is perhaps the most tasteless and morally questionable app I’ve ever encountered, I just can’t seem to bring myself to delete it. Maybe I’m a scaredy cat, maybe I’m far too untrusting, or maybe I’ve just heard one too many serial killer jokes delivered in a frighteningly deadpan manner. Regardless, I now have the power to see if the person I’ve elected to date is a convicted sex offender. That’s right, this app allows you to find out, google-map style, all the convicted sex offenders in your or your date’s area! I guess the only downside would be if your date is an unconvicted sex offender. Well, there’s always screaming and crash-jumping out of the window, Simpsons style.