Let me start by saying the idea that February 14th is THE day to express love and appreciation for that special person(s) in our life who lets us do things with their genitals is horseshit. And don’t cite Chaucer. The day has devolved so far. In the Belarusian version, Saint Valentine cut out his heart and delivered it, still beating, to a woman whose only gift to him was unrequited love. But yeah, chocolates are nice too.
But, the point isn’t to wrestle with our genetic predisposition for commercialized holidays â€“ that would be unpatriotic. The point is to express your love and get some without costly consumerism. And yea, I chose some of the shittier, less Victorian gifts being pedaled to adults these days to reiterate how far we’ve fallen. And because sex sells.
1. JimmyJane Spin Me – $35: This things looks like a vibrator and helps you relive a childhood game when just kissing was good enough, but adds the necessary smut to get you going since you are no longer 15 with that sensitive trigger.
Broke-Ass DIY Solution: Use the $35 to buy two 24-packs and spin 48 bottles. That will blow your mind. Then try to have sex if you/your partner’s dick can still get hard.
2. The Men’s Kiss You All Over Thong – $14.95: Blissfully I wasn’t aware of this category of undergarment. Thanks for nothing Google search. At least the website has the decency to not show the reverse angle.
Broke-Ass DIY Solution: Don’t buy Men’s Lingerie!
3. Chocolate Thong – $11.95: According to the website “Your partner won’t be able to resist a little below the belt nibbling when you wear this delicious, edible, Belgian chocolate thong”. Remember, zits caused by chocolate know no boundaries and the straps aren’t edible.
Broke-Ass DIY Solution: Why mince actions hereâ€¦if you like to eat chocolate eat some chocolate â€“ candy bars go for around 75 cents. If you like to eat vagina, eat some vagina â€“ vaginas usually go for free or cost a little begging in a healthy relationship. If you like to eat vagina, but need chocolate to attract you to your girlfriend’s pussy, get a new girlfriend.
4. Gourmet Body Frosting – $24.95: I’ve known of this for years, but don’t understand how it is an upgrade from salty-sweaty skin.
Broke-Ass DIY Solution: If you are stuck on sweets, you can buy a barrel of Betty Crocker frosting for this price. However, if you are eating during sex you must be concerned with caloric intake for epic, uglies numbing sex. A sugar spike will lead to a premature bonk, so you should go for a huge sandwich. Subway does the $5 footlong.