A Total Eclipse of The Fart: How to Fart on the First Date
Don’t even shake your head at the title of this article, because you know you’ve totally had to fart in front of a date or significant other before. I’m not the gross one, people, LIFE is, ok? Sure, there are situations in which going to the bathroom to alleviate yourself make total sense. But even so, how can you do so without being audible through the door? Some walls and doors are really thin! What if there is no bathroom escape? AHH!! Here are some of your best bets for your worst fartmares:
1) Here’s a pretty standard fart-tuation: You’re at your date’s house, sitting on the couch, watching movies, whatever….when you feel it. What the hell do you do?
* There are 2 options at the first hint of fart: you either try to suppress it as much as humanly possible until you feel like you’re going to erupt in a cacophony of flatulence, or you immediately go to the restroom. Either could backfire– if you choose the first option, you might actually not make it to the bathroom. If you choose the latter, then you might be visiting the bathroom several times during the night. Maybe go to the restroom somewhere in the middle of these two options, just to be on the safe side. Otherwise, you’re a true rebel livin’ on the edge, my friend.
* Once you’re in the bathroom, immediately turn on the faucet, flush the toilet a few times to mask the sound. Given the alternative, it’s way better if your date hears the sink and toilet.
* To muffle the sound even more– and I swear I totally read this somewhere– get 2 paper towels or some toilet paper to use as makeshift kneepads, squat down so that your asscheeks are as far apart as possible, and slowly let it rip. Supposedly, this significantly reduces or entirely eliminates the noise potential of the escaping gas.
* Always open a window if possible and fan any offensive odors as much as you can. I feel like people probably forget this a lot.
2) Ok, so what if the bathroom isn’t an option? What if you’re on the street, in the middle of sex, etc?
* If you’re on the street or in the subway, I guess the best you can do is either excuse yourself and go hide somewhere for a second, or wait for a loud vehicle/subway to pass by and pray it doesn’t smell.
* If you’re in the middle of sex, you can either excuse yourself, even though it’s kind of anti-climatic (though farting in the middle of it would do the same, but probably gross your date out way more), or just let it rip and pray it doesn’t make noise or smell. Oh, it will, though. If your date stops and looks like they’re gonna puke, just apologize, I guess, and get the fuck out of there as soon as possible. Hopefully, though, they’ll be understanding enough to see that sometimes, there really is nowhere to hide but in plain sight.
3) When is it “okay” to fart in front of someone you’re dating?
* Well, certainly not when you first have sex. Some would say never, actually. But this is truly about your own personal level of comfort with the person you’re dating. Generally, though, I would say if you’re moving in with the person, it’s probably okay to start farting in front of them– I mean, don’t make it a habit, but it’s probably not the end of the world to let one rip once or twice.
* Once they’ve already farted in front of you. This is always the best, because they can never accuse you of being gross ever again, as you can always hold this over their head until the day they die. Fuck, work it into their eulogy if you want. It’s all fair game after someone fires the first fart.
FART FACT!: Legumes are your enemy. Though high in fiber and protein, you cannot eat them as a significant part of your meal on a date, because you might as well just spend the rest of the evening in the bathroom. So if you go to an Indian, Middle Eastern, or Mexican food place for dinner, choose your main course wisely. Or maybe take some Beano beforehand, though I can’t vouch for its competence as a product, as I’ve never tried it.