After reading Anna’s hilarious post about farting on the first date, it reminded me that no matter how much we try to present this perfect, polished version of ourselves to the potential partners, our real selves always manage to surface sooner than we hope. While it’s great to be blissfully ignorant of someone’s weird tics and penchants for WB shows, all that shit is gonna come out eventually so it’s almost better to know up front. So whether you’re just getting to know each other or still in the honeymoon stage, here’s a good litmus test to see if the person is willing to go the distance with you; despite horrible character traits, weird phobias, grandma underwear and all.
There’s nothing that makes you feel more vulnerable then getting sick. It’s the great equalizer. I’ve seen the most self confident dudes cry like babies and beg for Gatorade once a stomach flu takes over. While it’s great to have someone take care of you that you can bitch and whine to; I often feel like a soldier dying in a movie urging his platoon to move on, please go, I don’t want you to see me like this. It also lets you know right off the bat if someone is inherently selfish or not. I’m not saying a trip to the hospital after a week of dating is necessary, but more along the lines of going out in the snow for pain killers. As someone who’s be struck down with food poisoning more than once, that illness hit you with Exorcist-like symptoms. So if someone sticks with me, even when I look like a possessed demon, I’d say they’re a keeper.
Questionable Personal Taste
I don’t care who you are, how many cool record or Criterion Collection box sets you own; everyone has at least one guilty pleasure that they try to hide from the world. You know how it is, invite a lady over, impress her with the artfully curated playlist you always have handy, or your expertly arranged bookcase full of appropriate media. I’m not a snoop but I always like to look for books/DVD’s with their spine turned the other way and your bound to find some good stuff. An old Willow DVD perhaps? Maybe some Josie and the Pussycats. As a rule, I never, EVER put my iTunes on shuffle. There’s just some things, not everyone needs to know. One time I let it slip that I owned one, ONE, Ani Difranco CD in Middle School, and next thing you know I’m a poster girl for Lilith Fair from then on out. I say test the waters. Show a little bit at a time and test their reaction. If they run for the hills after you secretly confess your love for Phil Collins. Then they weren’t worth your time anyways.
Seeing You Wasted
Seeing you drunk and act a fool is old hat to all your friends. They’re right there with you when it comes to being a hot mess and making poor decisions. But when it comes to a new relationship, getting obliterated and blacking out is not something you rush into. Actually I would say avoid it at all costs unless that the basis of your relationship and then you’ve got bigger problems to worry about. But the obvious fact is, a lot times when you’re meeting someone for the first time it’s in a bar or a party where drinking is involved. And after hanging out a couple of times, casual drinks turns into tequila shots and that’s where things start to get a little bit blurry. I’m not condoning get yourself piss drunk than peeing yourself. Even the most forgiving of dudes probably have that on their list of things they never want to see before they die. But if you’re accident prone like myself, sometimes even just a drink or two and next thing you know you and a pothole are face to face. If someone is capable of dealing with your drunken antics, hopefully not frequently, then I’d say your relationship has a real chance. And if they still find your attractive the next morning after a marathon night of drinking, then I’d start working on my wedding toast now.
Meeting the Family
Granted, meeting the family is not something you’re forced to do right off the bat, but it must be done at some point. It’s a step most people dread but really is never that bad. Everyone thinks their parents are way more embarrassing then strangers do, but every once in awhile they confirm your worst fears. After introducing my boyfriend to my dad one fateful Saturday brunch, everything is going smoothly, til our meals arrived and my father loudly compared his eggs bendict to a pair of goat testicles. Well that was one for the books, but if there was ever an occasion to make a goat nuts joke, a tipsy brunch can be one of them. Most people’s families are ridiculous, everyone’s got one of those drunk uncles who makes off color jokes, and as long as they’re not racist or complete dicks, then it’s just another rung on the ladder of compatibility. You just have to remember the person you’re dating runs the very risk of turning out just like their parents in the end. So if the parents are cool, you’re in the clear.
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