I don’t know exactly exactly at what point the Western world decided that THIS counts as an attractive teen idol, but baaaack in myyyy daaaay, (pre-Hanson, most definitely), the celebrities my friends and I had crushes on probably had at least 1-2 pubes. Look, I know by definition that teen idols are supposed to be non-threatening, fresh-faced pretty boys, but I feel like this sweep of Bieber-rama suggests, at least for me, an uncomfortable undercurrent of pedophilia.
It boils down to this: Can you picture yourself at 12 or 15 crushing on THIS?
I mean, no. Because he’s a fucking fetus. Plus, some record company has decided to puppeteer his soul with the ghost of AJ McLean. So, you know, he’s fucking FRIGHTENING in sort of the same way that Chucky once was. Jesus, I can’t even get through the entire video.
OK. Now, can you picture yourself crushing on THIS, at any age?
At least MAYBE. You see where I’m going with this?
Here are some more teen idols (from my day) that make way more sense than Justin “Fresh Out The Womb” Beiber:
1. Brad Renfro
I’m still pretty sad that Renfro died of a drug overdose. He was one of the few child actors that actually had promise to rise beyond JTT-status. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times I saw Tom & Huck and how incredibly obvious it was that Renfro was far, far sexier than any teen idol I had been alive to witness thus far– and he was actually MY age.
2. Devon Sawa
I didn’t actually have a crush on Sawa ever, and god knows Idle Hands took care of any potential feelings, but a lot of my friends did. And you know, he doesn’t look like an embryo.
3. Andrew Keegan
Though this guy has “asshole” written all over his face, at least I don’t feel like I would have a life crisis by finding him superficially attractive. I’d pick him over semi-fetus-y Ryder Strong any day.
4. Luke Perry
Ok, this guy was like 32 when 90210 started, and honestly, not the best type of guy for a 12 year old to like (see Troy Dyer), but you know what? I’m pretty sure he never needed a swagger coach. Even if he did, it would most certainly not have been an Usher-type of coach.
5. Gavin Rossdale
Again, yes, he was technically a man at the time. But this was probably better than setting yourself up for Luke Perry-type disaster in the future. It goes without saying that Bieber wouldn’t (and still doesn’t, even being washed up) hold a candle to this guy. Also, how hilarious is it that Rolling Stone decided to write about the Fall of Apple in 1996, or whatever?
So, yeah, some of these people are dead or at least their careers are. So, listen up Generation Z (or whatever your name is now), because here’s who I suggest you look into:
1. Hunter Parrish
I just started watching Weeds, and at first, was gradually becoming a bit uncomfortable with the degree to which I was finding Nancy’s son attractive. But then I realized that my attraction was directly proportionate to his growing older as the show goes on. And he’s currently 23, so whatevs, I could totally bang him in real life and not feel totally gross.
2. Taylor Kitsch
I know, he’s kind of Jordan Catalano-y, but honestly, he’s way more redeemable. And though he’s around 26 or 27, he still has a youthful face, which is really hard to pull off while having a sort of “bad boy” rep (as much as I hate to type/say that phrase). Truly remarkable, Taylor.
3. Emile Hirsch
Adorable, you guys. And yet not infant-like at all. And he can act. The end.