Ransom Note To Neti Pot Makers

Dear Neti Pot makers,

I have your business.  That’s right.  This morning I took it.  You may not have noticed.  This morning I realized that I don’t NEED a Neti Pot.  This morning I realized that no one needs a Neti Pot.

A little history on how it went down.

Last night I went out for a drink with a friend.  It seems that I greatly offended her by bringing with me a roll of toilet paper with which to blow my nose.  She was horrified.  Picture, covering-her-eyes-grunting-in-digust-embarrased-to-be-seen-with-me-horrified. I was curious.  Was it because toilet paper reminds her of asses?  She said no, simply, it made her feel that I had “given up”.  Apparently, if I were still in-this-to-win-this then I would be toting around a box of ‘Puffs Plus’. I revealed to her that perhaps I have given up.  Being sick for 8 days causes me to become a hardened utilitarian.  I need to blow my nose, and I need to blow it now, what is the closest thing? Toilet paper.  It is portable, easy to steal from work and, let’s face it, multipurpose.  The enlightening discussion aside, my friend continues to be ashamed of me and my less-than-ladylike practice.

This morning when I woke up and was feeling congested I began to think: “there must be a better way.”  That is when I had the brainstorm: I should get a Neti Pot.

All my friends have been talking about this thing.  For those of you who don’t know, a Neti Pot is a tool used for hundreds of years by yogis and health-freaks alike.  It is an item that looks like a small genie lamp that you fill with saline water and use to ‘irrigate’ your nasal passages and sinuses.  Basically, you use it to pour the solution in one nostril and it comes out the other nostril thus flushing out your nose.

Soon after I decided I wanted one, I decided that I needed one immediately.  It is an item I would imagine would prove difficult to procure at 8:30 AM on a Friday.  Because of this, I had to get creative.

Given that I am a utilitarian at heart (see above anecdote)…and given that I pride myself on my inventions (see post) …and given that in middle school I was a member of ‘Future Problem Solvers of America’ I decided to fashion my own Neti Pot out of a household item.  It was difficult to decide which item, of course.  That is not to say I did not try various things around the apartment…

Teakettle: has the right spout but is waaaay too big.
Ziploc bag with corner cut out: An inspired choice based on a pastry bag: too squishy.
Shot glass: too small, no spout.

And finally I found it.

A measuring cup!

As it has a little spout, the measuring cup actually solved two problems, the measuring and the pouring.  So I mixed up the salt and water per proportions I found online (milliliters, really?) and got to it.

Using the Neti Pot is an activity that takes some getting used to even if you are using the proper equipment.  I did succeed in dumping water all over myself, I did succeed in pouring the saline down my throat, but I also succeeded in IRRIGATING MY SINUSES!

It was disgusting!  It was liberating!  It was addictive!

The best part is, you can do it yourself, without any fancy equipment.  All you need is some salt and a measuring cup.  Ha ha capitalists!

Hence the blackmail…so let’s get back to it.

Ok, Neti Pot makers, there is one way to get your precious business back.  That is to provide me with a ‘real’ Neti Pot sent to me (POSTAGE PAID!!!).  And I don’t want one of the 2009 versions. And I don’t want the irregularly shaped one.  And I don’t want a discontinued one.  And I don’t want one of the ones in the colors that no one purchased (like ‘desert mustard’).  I want a 2010 model, popular color Neti Pot sent to my apartment immediately.  Then I will see about you getting your business back.

Total times I said “Neti Pot” in this post: 11

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About the author

Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer

Christine was born and raised in the land of the Pilgrims, Plymouth, Massachusetts. She turned in her buckled shoes when she moved to NYC to attend NYU. From that esteemed University she received her BFA in theatre as well as a Master’s Degree in Performance Studies in 2004. Now an actor, writer and broke ass day-jobber, Christine juggles her many personas with the elegance of a red panda…. specifically the one in the Prospect Park Zoo . . . soooooo cute! She can be found most often in her own habitat on the Northside of Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

2 Comments

  1. MC says:

    I always wondered what a neti pot was…ingenious on making your own! and you’re not alone in carrying around a roll of toilet paper.

  2. Christine Witmer - Sparing Stringer says:

    Thanks for the support!! I will carry my toilet paper proudly!

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