New Yorkers love to self-congratulate constantly like all the time for any reason. And why not? You kind of really have to have some brass balls to live here if you weren’t born into the Gristede dynasty or whatever. Plus, you know, it’s pretty much the best city in the U.S. (though I know Stuart & the SF writers will disagree). But can we make some new lists of things/people that are awesome please?
Here’s what/who we need to start leaving out NOW:
1) Patti Fucking Smith
I swear to god if I see her face on any list or magazine of any kind, I’m going to scream. Which basically means I’ll be a walking scream-fest through the streets of New York. Look, I liked Horses, ok? But is the woman herself a genius? Anyone who claims to not be a feminist because they “care” about “all people” is a fucking MORON. Anyone who claims to be an “intellectual” but never bothered to go to college is a PRETENTIOUS LYING ASSHOLE.
2) Delis in Manhattan
When was the last time you went to a deli in Manhattan and paid a reasonable amount of money for portions that made any kind of sense whatsoever? Never, that’s when. Unless you’re like 85 years old and can contradict me about the old days, I can’t recall there ever being any Manhattan deli (I’m looking especially at YOU Katz’s Deli) that’s worth thinking twice about. I like how a lot of places try to come off as all faux “character”-y and dive-y when they’re charging $12 for a hamster-sized pastrami sandwich. Go FUCK yourselves. Meat sandwiches aren’t even that good anyway, when they even are good. Which they’re NOT in Manhattan. Do your self a favor and go deep into Brooklyn to look for an Italian deli. Those people still know what’s up.
3) New Woody Allen
OK, so Vicky Cristina Barcelona was good. But, like, let’s face it, Woody Allen has not matured AT ALL since his early thirties, and he’s like what– 75?? It’s not cute anymore when you’ve got one foot in the grave. Or you know, ever, really. Also, he’s the godfather of hipster Asian fetishism.
Here’s what we need to add:
1) Amazing and CHEAP AS FUCK Middle Eastern food
Pitas are essentially the burritos of New York. I’ve never realized how mediocre and overpriced Middle Eastern food is in California until I moved here. So at least when I’m crying about how I can’t find a goddamn good burrito in this city, I can eat my feelings with a nice side of tabbouleh.
I know, I know– the MILF thing has been allowed to live for far too long in our collective cultural consciousness. But, like me & my friends have begun to adopt the “DILF” meme, just to let each other know when there’s an older man we find attractive. Nowhere in the United States have I encountered such a large volume of said DILFs, and it’s time that someone said something about it. I’m the real hero, guys.
Well, that’s all I could think of that’s underrated. Help me out, will ya (in the comments!)?