Whelp, guys, it’s hot out. I’m just gonna say it. I’m gonna be the Eminem of this website, givin you things you joke about with your friends inside your living room, the only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y’all and I don’t gotta be false or sugarcoat it at all. Or something.
Yes, this summertime has been notably more hot, humid, horrible, urine-smelling and revolting than other past summers. BUT. Heat, sweat and humidity are not acceptable excuses to fling off the oppressive shackles of our country’s social codes and wear whatever the fuck you want, especially if you live in city where your body is regularly pressed up against the bodies of other strangers. Sorry, guys, but we’re trying to have a civilization here.
I am aware that I personally may err on the conservative side of what is or isn’t acceptable in terms of hot weather dress, but I will here set aside some of my more Victorian mannerisms to illustrate five offenses that I think everyone will agree aren’t cool, regardless of the thermometer.
Men in Flip Flops
I think that all feet are kind of gross. Foot fetishists rank slightly above Furries on the list of fetishes I don’t understand. That being said, girls as a general rule, take better care of their feet than men. Flip flops in the city are kind of icky in the first place in the sticky gross heat of summer (although leather thong sandals with roughly the same coverage are acceptable. I dunno why!) but on men they are utterly verboten. If you’re at home, great. If you’re just heading over to the corner store, that’s ok too but if you are going to be out for any long period of time or going to a place where other people may see you, forget it.
Cover Your Ass
This very morning I was seated in a nice coffee shop cranking out some work when a woman strolled in to order a croissant or something clad in a tank top and what appeared to be a bikini bottom with a tiny, tiny skirt attached. All told if she had leaned at a 45 degree angle, the crack of her ass would have been visible. Not okay. My aversion to people wearing bathing suits not by a body of water is detailed and documented. My aversion to these same people or ANY people wearing bathing suits into restaurants, bars or stores is even greater.
This has nothing to do with body-snarking. I don’t care if you’re 115 lbs or 400 lbs, I don’t care if you think your bathing suit bottom doubles as a skirt, or if you have the body of this girl. if you aren’t covered to at least the mid-thigh, stay in the car.
Little Girls in Bikinis
I know I’m going to get a lot of push back on this from people who think it’s cute but I have to say that I think little girls in bikinis is kind of really not okay. Get your daughter a one piece or even just bathing suit bottoms if she’s under the age of three, but not this. The bikini is, for a child, unnecessarily sexy. Is this what you wanna end up with? Anyone who has ever been female knows that around the time you turn 13 gross old dudes on the street feel its appropriate to make disgusting comments about your body. Can we give girls just a couple years of life before their every wardrobe decision is utterly sexualized?
Guys, it’s you again. I don’t know when but sometime around 8th grade it became acceptable for guys to just pull their shirts off as soon as the temperatures reached around 85 degrees and we were all just supposed to be fine with that. Well, even hot Phil Edwards from my high school COULD NOT pull that shit off successfully — 14 years later I’m really still not fine with it. I get that it’s hot out but you can’t ask people to just look the other way at the fact that your hairy, sweaty and haven’t worked out in years. Clothes are more than just a modesty or fashion statement, they also protect your skin from the elements.
In the case the element is other people.
Tyra was right. It is not your friend.