When I was in Las Vegas last weekend, the thing I could not stop obsessing over, apart from the buffets and 99-cent margaritas, was alllll the breast implants. It was like a breast implant convention. And I guess most of America is used to this, but I was somewhat alarmed. Maybe because the trend among hipsters in Williamsburg is to look as flat and similar to a 12-year-old girl as possible. Or, maybe just because I’m kind of a skeeze. WHATEVER. The thing that concerns me is just how much fake-boob money is invested in Las Vegas. If, by my very scientific estimation, 7.1 of every 10 ladies in Vegas has implants, how much money does that add up to? Millions of dollars? BILLIONS?
Personally, I find it sort of horrifying. There is more to life than having really, really, really large boobs. But of course, implants can be viewed as financial investments that eventually pay for themselves, in tips or whatever. OK. I get that. But I feel there are alternate, equally rewarding investments a person could make. Such as:
1) An online “degree”
This might not make as much money as your boobs would, but, to paraphrase Woody Allen, adult education is a wonderful thing! And as far as I can tell, the University of Phoenix accepts pretty much anyone. Also, your MBA will never start sagging weirdly, or leaking, or taking on a horrifying, “double-boob“ effect.
2) Dealer school
A good dealer does not rely on watermelon boobs. She is trained to bolster gamblers’ confidence and convince them to continue playing, even when things look DIRE. She maintains calm assertiveness if anyone challenges her authority, like the Dog Whisperer. It is also apparently her job to yell at people who begin texting at the roulette table when they are bored. Because that’s such a huuuuuge crime. God.
3) Buy stock in silicone
I know what you’re thinking, “the stock market is creepy and I don’t trust it.” But is it as creepy as all the guys who would be trying to feel you up right now?? YEAhhh. I doubt it. So let’s figure out how to buy some stock. Allergan Incorporated (NYSE ticker: AGN) manufactures silicone gel implants, and, in August of 1998, it was trading at $12.80 a share. Today it trades at $62.57 a share. That’s waaaay up. People love implants, y’all. You don’t need to get them to profit off them.
4) Start-up for a wild tortoise farm
Wild tortoises are supposedly EVERYWHERE in Vegas, and I guarantee people would be excited about this. You could include a wild tortoise petting zoo, which would be superior to other petting zoos because a tortoise cannot resist or escape from even the most obnoxious child. Also, tortoises are really cute.
5) Therapy, to realize new boobs will not solve your self-image problem
Unless you are a breast cancer survivor, or literally concave, your boobs are fine. Guys/girls will want to touch them no matter what, I promise. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a douche.