Broke-Ass Porn

Broke-Ass Porn: Fireworks

Once a week we present Broke-Ass Porn.  It’s visually stimulating material for the financially impaired.  If this shit doesn’t get you going, you’re not as broke as you thought:

Just like with most things that are illicit and fun, sometimes you have to cross state lines to get the goods. Whether it’s grain alcohol, cheap cigarettes or in this case, huge cases of fireworks, you can find the cheapest contraband in America’s heartland. Every summer I used to drive with my family through Pennsyl-tucky and Ohio to visit our relatives in Michigan. While these road trips were sometimes brutal, the one thing I used to always look forward to, was our annual pit-stops at the sprawling warehouses full of fireworks. Ohio is a goldmine when it comes to the most explosive fireworks you can buy at an amateur level. I’m convinced that fireworks are Ohio’s #1 export, perhaps only secondary to Wes Craven. Being patriotic by nature, manufacturers know exactly who their customer is. They might as well sell these things as a package deal complete with a denim vest and a bald eagle bandanna. So if you don’t find yourself in the Midwest this summer, I’ve saved you some gas by presenting you with some real gems, courtesy of the good people at Fireworks Super Store in Sandusky, Ohio. Be sure to check out their test videos for more fist-pumping action.

Bada Bing Bada Boom

For those who like their fireworks, family-style, there’s the Bada Bing Bada Boom fireworks package. This makes sense to me, because half the time when fireworks are going off in my neighborhood, their sound greatly resembles real gun shots anyways. Maybe not a tommy gun, maybe just your average handgun, and unnerving just the same. I’m just sad they couldn’t use this logo for the packaging. Cartoon mobsters are so last year.

War and Peace

If only Tolstoy were around today to see his masterpiece take flight into the sky! While fireworks are all about celebration their original purpose was mostly used to signal a bloody victory over our American enemies (USA!!!) I’m just a little disappointed there was no display of Rebel flags to give it a more authentic flavor. I especially like the special notice on the front that says “Warning: Shoots Flaming Balls”. I wouldn’t mind owning a t-shirt with a similar sentiment on the front. Bonus points for the typo in the product title.

Wickedly Awesome

You know that feeling you get when you witness a particularly spectacular fireworks display, your heart swells up, and you just can’t find the right words to describe the feeling you’re experiencing? Well now there’s a name for that wild-eyed adoration and it’s called “Wickedly Awesome”. Who says only people from Boston get to use this descriptive modifier? At $189, it better be awesome,  but if the product reviews are any indication of its awesomeness, then I’m sure you’ll get plenty of bang for your buck. Of course, flaming balls are included. This is America after all.

Untamed Retribution

This is for those people who’s patriotism knows no bounds. Whose car decal depicts Calvin peeing on the Middle East, and who enjoys the unique taste of Budweiser for its “drinkability”. If there’s anything American’s take more pride in, it’s revenge. It’s no surprise it’s the key plotline for almost every action movie. And where the “eye for an eye” mantra is ingrained in us from the playground to adulthood. What better way to show your neighbors who wears the big boy pants then  shooting off a couple of “Untamed Retributions” into the sky? This my friends, is what I like to call a finale.

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Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe

Laura S - Spendthrift Scribe

Laura S, left the "sixth borough" three years ago to settle in Brooklyn. After working at some daily rags, she now does writing on the side but still eats more Ramen then necessary. When she's not moving residences every 6 months, eating her way through every neighborhood, and trying every microbrew known to man, she is unsuccessfully rediscovering home economics. With her binging days behind her, she's now exploring new projects and rediscovering the city that she loves (although is still prone to sliding on her knees during a Prince karaoke set).