On Pulling Yourself out of that Puddle of Tequila
We’ve all been there. I was there this morning. That special, upsetting place that exists in the early morning — probably on your floor — where you wake up disoriented, groggy and with six missed calls indicating the necessity of your presence at a place where you obviously are not.
It’s a special ring of hell. And once you pull yourself from its depths, it is important that no one realizes where you have been and what you have been doing there. You must hide your hangover, soldier. Especially if you pose as someone with responsibilities during the day. Let me show you how.
Waking up hungover means dark circles and tired skin, which means that no amount of war paint will help you in this situation. The more makeup you cake on, the worse you’ll look; showing up to your place of business resembling a two-bit hooker who’s been out hustling all night is a dead giveaway to your current state.
The key to arriving sort of put together is easy. It’s moisturizer. Get up, splash some cool water on your face, and hit your cheeks up with some Jergen’s. Lotion can’t work on its own – it needs water – so that first step is essential. Let the lotion set for a while before you slap on your camouflage of choice is or else it will all slide off and you’ll still look a mess. When you do get to the makeup stage, go light on the base and stick to mascara. Your eyes will be sunken due to dehydration so you’ll need to define them a little.
That trick about tea bags (not those, sickos) on eyelids actually does help, too – steep some black tea bags for a few minutes and them pop ’em in the freezer quickly. Retrieve them after they’ve had enough time to chill but not dry out and stick them on your lids. The caffeine and the cold will help you de-puff expediently. For quick fixes, I also like Origins GinZing eye cream. I keep it in the fridge.
The moisturizer trick also holds true for the male contingent, but you fools should be doing that anyway. That aside, there is one male-specific trick to look put together. I will say this once: SHAVE. I know that scruffy is easy, and I know that it feels better to hide behind all of that fuzz than show up somewhere puffy and baby-faced. That may be true for the five minutes after that first cup of coffee, but as time goes on, the combination of saggy, droopy eyelids and a five o’clock shadow grown unruly is a telltale sign of a night spent guzzling tequila. It takes some time, and will probably make you late, but it is worth it. Also, put on a freshly laundered/pressed shirt. The clean smell will wake you up and will definitely trick people into thinking you have your shit together.
Otherwise, pounding ice water and coffee is a stand-by, as is a nice cold shower. Godspeed, Young Turks. Go forth and be invisible in your pain.
Does anyone have any other surefire tricks to get by? Share them with me in the comments please. I’m struggling here.