On Pulling Yourself out of that Puddle of Tequila

We’ve all been there. I was there this morning. That special, upsetting place that exists in the early morning — probably on your floor — where you wake up disoriented, groggy and with six missed calls indicating the necessity of your presence at a place where you obviously are not.

It’s a special ring of hell. And once you pull yourself from its depths, it is important that no one realizes where you have been and what you have been doing there. You must hide your hangover, soldier. Especially if you pose as someone with responsibilities during the day. Let me show you how.


Ladies
Waking up hungover means dark circles and tired skin, which means that no amount of war paint will help you in this situation. The more makeup you cake on, the worse you’ll look; showing up to your place of business resembling a two-bit hooker who’s been out hustling all night is a dead giveaway to your current state.

The key to arriving sort of put together is easy. It’s moisturizer. Get up, splash some cool water on your face, and hit your cheeks up with some Jergen’s. Lotion can’t work on its own – it needs water – so that first step is essential. Let the lotion set for a while before you slap on your camouflage of choice is or else it will all slide off and you’ll still look a mess. When you do get to the makeup stage, go light on the base and stick to mascara. Your eyes will be sunken due to dehydration so you’ll need to define them a little.

That trick about tea bags (not those, sickos) on eyelids actually does help, too – steep some black tea bags for a few minutes and them pop ‘em in the freezer quickly. Retrieve them after they’ve had enough time to chill but not dry out and stick them on your lids. The caffeine and the cold will help you de-puff expediently. For quick fixes, I also like Origins GinZing eye cream. I keep it in the fridge.

Dudes
The moisturizer trick also holds true for the male contingent, but you fools should be doing that anyway. That aside, there is one male-specific trick to look put together. I will say this once: SHAVE. I know that scruffy is easy, and I know that it feels better to hide behind all of that fuzz than show up somewhere puffy and baby-faced. That may be true for the five minutes after that first cup of coffee, but as time goes on, the combination of saggy, droopy eyelids and a five o’clock shadow grown unruly is a telltale sign of a night spent guzzling tequila. It takes some time, and will probably make you late, but it is worth it. Also, put on a freshly laundered/pressed shirt. The clean smell will wake you up and will definitely trick people into thinking you have your shit together.

Otherwise, pounding ice water and coffee is a stand-by, as is a nice cold shower. Godspeed, Young Turks. Go forth and be invisible in your pain.
Does anyone have any other surefire tricks to get by? Share them with me in the comments please. I’m struggling here.

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About the author

Polina Yamshchikov - Flirt Poor

Polina is Siberian by way of Alabama, and therefore cannot pronounce "fire" or "iron" correctly but despite this can still woo men with her cooking skills and enormous Russian cheeks. She can usually be spotted on the streets of Brooklyn either yelling into a cell phone in one of five languages or swilling gin at an inappropriate hour of the morning.

5 Comments

  1. dan says:

    Polina,
    I learned from an Egyptian once what he called “the king’s remedy.” This is not so much for your outsides as it is for your insides. Take a pint glass and put in a tsp. of sugar, and a tsp. of salt. Then fill it with lukewarm water. Not hot. Not cold. Lukewarm. Stir it until the salt and sugar are dissolved or at least floating, and then drink it down in one gulp.
    If you don’t throw up, you’ll start to feel better within the hour. And of course, after you’ve got that down, go on to your ice water and coffee (or ice cold coke if you don’t like coffee), your moisturizing or shaving, and, if you can eat anything, I find salty pretzel sticks (the thin kind) are best.

  2. bonnie says:

    I love how all the related posts are regarding cheap tequila, free tequila, or where we can all drink tequila…

  3. Nora Regis says:

    If you’re in good enough shape to chill teabags, you aren’t that hungover.

  4. Mani Vafaei says:

    Call me insane but a hard workout will fast-forward me through the sickness, the headache, and the sweats, leaving post-adrenaline euphoria in their place.

  5. Jenn says:

    It takes some planning the day/week beforehand but I learned from a very large tattoo artist the magic of Red Bull and Pedialyte. Half and half in a glass gets your shit together real quick.

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