We here at Broke-Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website are not above whoring ourselves out for corporate movie tie-ins (and Google search results), so that’s why this week we’re jumping on the bandwagon to bring you a guide to learning how to get all those simple pleasures in life that you don’t actually have the money for.
[Full Disclosure: I haven't actually read the book or seen the movie because of how I'm not exactly the target audience for either, but I wrote this piece from a Starbucks where my iced coffee came with a free iTunes download from the soundtrack. Which, in my opinion, is practically the same thing.]
One important thing that I’m told is missing from the film is any sort of explanation about how Julia Roberts could actually go traipsing about the planet eating her way through a cast of Javier Bardems and praying she gets to meet James Franco while falling in love with Italian food (I’m pretty sure this is how the plot goes). As it turns out, she (Julia Roberts or whoever) had the book deal lined up before she even left, which is not a luxury the rest of us have. Instead, we have to make do with our meager budgets. But luckily for you, we’ve pretty much covered the three categories of eating, praying and loving right here on this very website.
EAT: Aside from the approximately monthly opportunities for FREE BBQ, we’ve brought you plenty of lessons for turning those those sad-looking, broke-ass foods into something you might actually feel OK serving to another human being (as opposed to say, your dog, or your compost pile). If you’re still opposed to cooking, then I suggest finding a job with a wedding caterer because there is always way too much food and cake left over at the end of the night and you don’t even have to feel gross about gleaning from the buffet. Who knows, you might even find Love if some drunk bridesmaid or groomsman likes how you look in a tuxedo shirt and a bowtie.
PRAY: Last time I checked going to church was still free even though they’ll probably bug you for money. At least they won’t turn you away for being broke.
But I digress! This is 2010 and most of our praying is actually limited to chants at the beginning of yoga class, followed by praying for that painful pose to be over and then eventually falling asleep on the floor at the end (best part). But you don’t really need to reserve a spot on a yoga retreat to India or Bali to do any of that stuff. In case you haven’t noticed, there are tons of free or donation-based Yoga classes in San Francisco and New York. If all else fails, join a convent or a monastery.
LOVE: You’re on your own for this one. I’m pretty sure Planned Parenthood and gay bars still have free condoms though. And if all else fails, you can still borrow Javier Bardem DVDs from the library.