I have a confession to make. Sometimes, I can, uh, go a little temporarily mad, to paraphrase Norman Bates. Not in a murdery kind of way or anything, but more in an obsessive/stalkery kind of way when it comes to stacking myself up against exes of current or ex-boyfriends. This is not made any easier with what the veritable Pandora’s Box of facebook hath wrought. But, hey, at least I’ve come to terms with it, sort of.
Anywho, when I know I’m getting that “crazy” feeling or impulse, instead of actually following through with my sick and unwieldy curiosity towards someone I know/have actually dated, I re-funnel it towards an unlucky celebrity. Say, George Clooney, for example.
Take a (fire) walk with me through the corners of my mind, and let’s see what we can arbitrarily judge about George Clooney vis-a-vis his exes. Consider it an early Halloween gift.
1) Apparently, George was MARRIED to one Talia Balsam from 1989 to 1993. Not only is Talia the ex-wife of Mr. Clooney, but is the CURRENT wife of Mr. Silver Fox himself, John em-effing Slattery aka Roger Sterling of Mad Men. NOT FAIR, Talia. Oh, and she plays Mona, Roger Sterling’s ex-wife on Mad Men, too. I DO wawnt yer laaaf, Talia.
George has reportedly said that since being married to Talia, he never wants to get married to anyone ever again. Well, I don’t know what Talia did to bewitch the shit out of George, but she definitely set a pattern for his future romantic entanglements.
2) George’s next significant relationship was with British model Lisa Snowdon, with whom he was on and off again for five years. Let’s face it, Lisa looks like a young Talia, only more conventionally attractive.
Apparently, she was discovered as a model when she was pole-dancing at 19, and hosted Britain’s Next Top Model. Now, I guess she’s on some dance show. I dunno, sounds like snoozeville, generally, but I’m about 95% sure that George’s fascination with her lies primarily in the fact that she kind of looks like Talia. Threat level: Meh.
3) George’s next girlfriend of significance was Sarah Larson, whom he only dated for just under a year. She was literally a cocktail waitress in Vegas. Real klassy-like, Cloons!
So, ok, he likes brunettes, which is good. But this woman kinda, you know, sounds like a dummy, especially because she was on Fear Factor and started out her school career as a pre-med student, but then switched to dancing. Well, at least she knows what she’s good at. The problem with her, though, is that she couldn’t be more ordinary or forgettable. As Ashley F. would say, I couldn’t pick her out of a lineup of one. This worries me, George. Are you just trying to FIT.IN. a la Patrick Bateman? Let’s chalk it up to temporary insanity, since the relationship didn’t last that long.
4) George’s latest girlfriend is Elisabetta Canalis, an Italian model/actress.
Fuck. Well, I might as well throw in the towel (I really had a chance before!), because she is way more attractive than I could ever pretend to be, even if I wore a Doutzen Kroes mask and one of those shirts that has a drawing of a “hot body” in a bikini airbrushed on it. Plus, she seems like less of a dummy than everyone since Talia. EXCEPT that she was in Deuce Bigelow: European Gigelo. HAHA! I found your Achilles heel, Elisabetta! Rob Schneider be thy name!
But, whatever, I guess I hope they’re happy together, blah blah. And hey, I normally don’t like tearing down other women, no matter how lame they are, but if it’s a choice between doing it to people that are in real life versus in-no-way my real life, and also it’s all in my head, well, I’mma go with the latter, if it means I avoid feeding my insanity towards real-life people.
Guess I’ll have to start doing some Robert Downey Jr. research to make up for this George Clooney fail.