Stonybrook 2010: The Future of the Babysitter’s Club

As much as I loathe logging on to Facebook and immediately discovering what Edie Falco character, French pastry or WWII general each of my friends are, The Facebook Quiz “Which Babysitter’s Club Character Are You?” has spawned a sort of creative juggernaut in my brain. The discussion of the quiz (which, spoiler alert, gives everyone the result of CLAUDIA) led to a discussion with my housemate about what the Baby Sitters would have been like if we had known them in real, true, actual life. We talked about their jobs and careers and boyfriends and girlfriends and oh, just everything!

Okay, full disclosure: only about five minutes of this “conversation” actually involved my housemate; the rest took place in my sad little brain. Moving on!

The girls would probably be in their early 30s now , so after nailing down the obvious (Kristy: lesbian, possible pro-athlete; Claudia: hipster, probable cocaine enthusiast) I began to expound further and further until each characters life was so clearly and cleanly etched out that they seemed, for a brief, shining moment, to be almost human.

For those of you who didn’t spend your tween years inhaling Ann M. Martin’s literary masterworks, those of you out there who have no idea what the Baby Sitter’s Club is (recent immigrants), or just don’t care, (heterosexual males) I apologize. However the urge to extrapolate on the futures of the BSC characters is absolutely inexpugnable, so lets take a peek through my crystal ball, shall we? To Stonybrook in the year 2010!!!

KRISTY is:

Doing: After spending her post-college summers heading up the sports department at Camp Mohawk Kristy puts her old girl-gatherin’ skills to use and makes some real money by opening a high-end prostitution ring catering specifically to Greenwich, CT sexual deviant.

Dating: A 57-year old woman who used to be a school principal and is now a cat groomer with a vast inherited fortune and a collection of Tiffany lamps.

Living: Apartment in the East Village, weekend house in Old Saybrook.

Wearing: Sneakers, jeans, turtleneck and baseball hat with a picture of a collie on it

DAWN is:

Doing: Teaching English and organic farming techniques to the indigent in a small fishing village in Honduras.

Dating: A retired South American freedom fighter with a limp and a beautiful singing voice who can occasionally be found deep in his cups at the town bar, drunkenly ranting against the United Fruit Company.

Living: In a sustainable tree-house of her own design with no indoor plumbing or heating and no carbon footprint.

Wearing: Macrame everything.

STACEY is

Doing: After riding high on a wave of good fortune on Wall Street, Stacey saw that the bubble was about to burst and cashed out. She left her job and spent two years developing the perfect sugar free cupcake recipe and penning a memoir about living with diabetes called “Glucose for Comfort”.

Dating: Single, again, Although occasionally meets for no-strings-attached sex with her old personal trainer at a clean but unglamorous hotel in the Financial District.

Living: Left sprawling Soho loft for sprawling DUMBO loft which she shares with her two dogs and occasionally her burnout friend Laine.

Wearing: Yohji Yamamoto

MARY ANNE is

Doing: Teaching kindergarten, writing children’s books, baking up a storm and just generally trying to keep up a good front in the face of her husband, the Senator’s most recent public infidelity.

Dating: Happily Married but we’re going through some rough times, but who isn’t, you know, I mean marriage is a comittment and nobody’s perfect right? Marshmallow Square?

Living: Greenwich, CT

Wearing: Ann Taylor separates, and one long braid.

CLAUDIA is

Doing: Working part time at Opening Ceremony and putting the finishing touches on her first line of handbags and accessories to be sold at various boutiques in the Brooklyn area.

Dating: He’s in a band.

Living: Greenpoint. She bikes to work.

Wearing: Oversized mens shirt, patchwork vest, black leather leggings, brown leather ankle boots, oversized hobo bag from a Vivienne Westwood sample sale. Earrings made of old railroad ties and an oversized parrot pendant.

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About the author

Ashley Friedman - Cornerstore Correspondent

Like most kids, Ashley grew up in New Jersey. Unlike most kids the Friedman's televison set acted as a third parent, imbuing young Ashley with the stern moral values of Claire Huxtable, the dramatic tendencies of Brenda Walsh and the earnest hopefulness of the blond kid on Silver Spoons. After graduating from Sarah Lawrence Ashley made her way to the Park Slope area of Brooklyn where she can currently be found reading foreign fashion magazines, scouring ebay for vintage heels, eating out in restaurants and otherwise stretching her meager income as far as it will go in NYC.
  • http://katekotler.com/ Kate Kotler – DIY Diva

    Hilarious!

    You should do a Sweet Valley High one… (I was too old for Babysitter’s Club, SVH was my trashy tween lit crack – that and VC Andrews!!)

  • http://www.whateverishly.com Ashley Friedman – Cornerstore Correspondent

    Oooh shiiit! I was NOT allowed to read the original series because my
    mom thought the covers were too sexy. BUT she doesnt know that I stole a copy of Playing with Fire from my best friends older sister and oh, was it racy! I was allowed to read Sweet Valley Twins, however; a sort of trainibg bra series, if you will- a chaster,lamer repackaging of the concept for younger readers. Methinks it will be my next installment!

  • http://www.whateverishly.com Ashley Friedman – Cornerstore Correspondent

    Also – anyone remember Christopher Pike?

  • http://katekotler.com/ Kate Kotler – DIY Diva

    I do, but I don’t remember why…

    VC Andrews was responsible for me knowing about abortion, incest and child abuse…. THEY WERE AWESOME BOOKS!!! :P

    I was just chatting with my housemate and we both agreed that we wanted to go to a thrift store to try to track down the Flowers in the Attic series – such twisted writing!

    The crazy thing is that she died somewhere in the middle of writing the second series (Autumn or something like that) and they hired ghostwriters to continue to write under her name to appease the fans of the books… She only wrote about six of the twenty-something books under her name.

  • http://katekotler.com/ Kate Kotler – DIY Diva

    This is a really good post, Ashley – for the record. :)

  • Anna G – Caliburg Contributor

    Dude, Christopher Pike! HA! Also, I want to know what the future held/holds for Claudia’s stick-up-her-ass sister Janine.

  • val

    this was great! would love to read about SVH. ohhhh christopher pike, vampires, werewolfs and teenagers, so overdone now…

  • Katy B. – Economic Inexpert

    haaaha YES, claudia is majorly addicted to cocaine. the BSC could probably have an intervention if kristy would take time out of being a lesbian for one second to call a meeeeeting. gah.

    all the best posts seem to alienate our recent immigrant/ heterosexual male population.

  • http://litwhore.wordpress.com/ Christy Jovanelly – Cheapskate Commentator

    hahahha thank you ashley…highlight of my day

  • Janis P

    Brilliant. I just stumbled upon this wonderful website b/c I’m a new SF broke ass, and found Stuart’s book this evening in Border’s ( I was there to take a chinese bird bath in their bathroom) Fear Street for life.

  • Boom Boom

    What French pastry are you Ashely? I just re-read this and wet my pants again, shout out to Kristy mahfucka!

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  • Guestee

    Just wanted to state how awesome this article is, after Anna pointed out all the lame, impostor ones. wErkn it

  • alyssa

    This stinks.