A Californian’s Guide to a Rainy Day

Northern California is known for many liberal and progressive changes. A place where a prostitute can approach the police after being assaulted without fear of a jail sentence. A place where we care so much about the environment that throwing an orange peel in the garbage can rather than the compost bin can lead to a $100 fine. But there is one thing San Franciscans are not ready to face. It’s their kryptonite and turns the city into mass hysteria, the most accepting and socially active people turning on each other at a moments notice and quenching their thirst for blood. Not prop 8. Not Schwarzenegger. That’s right, RAIN.

As a native of Portland, OR. I’ve seen my fair share of torrential downpours and that’s why I’ve compiled this list of tips to help the less storm-savvy crowd adjust to the damp climate.

1. Always have multiple umbrellas in your possession.

It’s likely that you’ll get drunk and lose one of them at a bar or in a cab, so if you have a second ready to go you can tell that next unexpected rainstorm to eat a bag of wet dicks and laugh your dry self all the way to get food stamps. Even though you’re feeling on top of the world and laughing in your head at the people getting soaked, don’t forget proper umbrella etiquette. It is polite to close your umbrella before entering a bus or train, and be aware of your dripping radius at all times to make sure you’re not drenching an innocent bystander. I’ve encountered two re-re’s this week that delayed the bus because they couldn’t fit through the door with their open umbrella. What is this, Carnie Wilson getting into a Honda? Close it before you get on the bus.

2. Dry feet are happy feet.

This is not the time to sacrifice comfort for fashion. What you gain in steeze, you’ll lose self respect tromping around all day in your whats-gone-sours. In my opinion, moist undergarments are the clothing equivalent to Hitler burning a cross in Harvey Milk’s front yard. Hilarious the first time, but at some point it has to stop. If you can’t sell your roommates’ clothes to get yourself some rain boots, at least choose a shoe with a rubber toe and it’s possible to keep your feet as dry as Rosie O’Donnell at Chippendale’s.

3. Drive slower than you think you need to.

As if driving or biking in San Francisco isn’t already insane, throw in some lubrication for the road and if you’re not careful you’ll be dirty dancing with Swayze in no time. Over estimate your stopping distances, remember you’re going to slide a little more than expected and none of your friends are going to help you hide a body. Don’t take corners too fast, you can easily fish-tail and totally lose control of the car if not your bowels. Keep your eyes on the road; this isn’t the time to decide whether you love or hate Chloe Sevigny, or picture what your friends look like naked. You’re operating a vehicle, and if you read this website you’re also most likely drunk while you’re doing it, so grab yourself some mouth wash and keep your eyes peeled.

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About the author

Ryan Miller- Depleted Resource Analyst

Ryan Miller was raised in a small, quaint village named Portland, Oregon before spontaneously packing two suitcases, scrounging up $300 and catching a flight to San Francisco. Judging from his garbage, he is a connoisseur of Sun Chips and rather inexpensive wine. His personal goals are to refrain from hailing and accepting rides in random cars as well as greatly reduce the amount of hugs he provides for the homeless community. While touring Jamaica and prompted for his opinion on the prevalence of TB in third world countries, Miller eagerly asked, "They have Taco Bell here?"
  • Seth Fischer

    This is hilarious

  • http://holdenarchive.com Holden

    Love this.

    For those who don’t want to sacrifice fashion for dry feet, Marc by Marc Jacobs makes a killer galosh.

  • Elan Gaite

    This article is offensive in so many ways. I do not know where to begin, but to start with head band umbrellas clash so hard with striped sailor shirts. Dang Dog! Jesus was black! Ummm..there is so much more, but the peanut butter my dog is eating needs to be re-coated. I will come back to this travesty with a fresh coat of armor.

  • Quick bit

    As a native resident of PDX, I can say that neither we, nor Seattle, have “torrent-like downpours.” You’re thinking of the Mid-west. Chicago, for example. Big thunderstorms, too. But NOT PDX. What we have is drizzle and gloom. It doesn’t get that cold–just grim enough to want to stick a knife in your solar (no pun intended) plexus.

  • http://writingthroughthefog.com Cheri

    Nice, but only 3 points? More, please.

  • Liana

    We wear sandals and never buy umbrellas. We’re like Kennedys – we may have money, but we don’t deign to actually carry it around when we’re out having fun, so my tribe has a tendency to get wet in rain situations. Considering our hatred of wet feet and cold weather, we moved teepee to a place that was reputed “warm” and “dry.”

    Somebody lied. San Francisco has been underwater and bitter since I got here.