New Ways to Make Money

Last Fall, Alison posted about some ideas for side jobs and we’ve had some great financial coaching with Coach Sizzle, but I’m afraid everyone who has internet access has read them and done them by now. And dudes and ladies, as some of us know more than others, TIMEZRTUFF. I started thinking about re-working my resume to highlight what unique skills I could bring to the table, so I could get, as they say, a leg up on the competition, or possible sexual innuendo aside, simply afford to buy the “fancy” ramen sometime. Then I realized how much of an advantage I had in untapped markets due to my lack of what most people would call “being a productive member of society.” With these ideas, I’m 92 percent sure I’m going to be at least a millionaire in the next month. So, oh ho ho, Mom and Dad, who’s the waste of space now? And because I trust you Broke-Ass readers, I’m going to share them with you, because I know you’d do the same for me.

Idea #1: All my close friends are having babies these days–Owen Wilson, Marion Cotillard, Khloe Kardashian, that lady who buys a fifth of vodka every single day at the corner store–and I want to be there for them. And more importantly make money off their little bundle of joys. From what little I know about babies, they cry, eat and sleep a lot. And everyday as a parent you get tireder and tireder until you couldn’t possibly handle anymore tired. Nap time is your saving grace and if your kid won’t nap, you don’t get a break. This is where I come in. I come over to your house, have some warm milk and cookies, pull out a sleeping mat and a blankie, and take a nap. Your kid will realize this is the best thing ever and fall asleep too. You can take a break, watch your stories, drink without being interrupted, even take a nap too. I can sleep for hours so be sure to set an alarm for me. This also works for puppies and adult insomniacs. I do not provide babysitting services. I’m simply an effective nap-inducer. I can bring my own blankie if needed.

Idea #2: You are popular and have 500 friends on Facebook. You like to pretend you don’t care, but if about ten of those people on FB have sensitive updates, you need to be notified right away. It is crucial that amidst the “I did pushups” and “I checked into work” alerts, you don’t miss the “I eloped last night” update from your “If we are both single at 30, we’ll take solace in each other” buddy, or the “Doctor’s Appointment. Ugh.” from your hook up from last week, or even the “Have you fallen in a well? I’ll cancel that check I sent you if you don’t call me back.” inquiry from your mom. I will be your Facebook feed analyzer. I will diligently read every single thing, even reading between the lines on some. And instantly alert you by phone, text, email and FB if something requires your immediate action. Or if you just want to gossip about it for a bit.

Idea #3: Food Tester/Recipe Analyzer. Secretly afraid your boyfriend is trying to poison you? Or simply want to become a better cook in the kitchen but don’t trust your taste buds? Never sure if it needs more salt? Yes, I know, it sounds too good to be true; I will take your money to eat your food. No job too big or too small.
PS. I don’t eat meat or broken glass. Or eggplant. Or persimmons.

Idea #4: Everyone always says “the thing about living in the city is you just don’t know your neighbors.” Well, I can fix that. As an interactive, neighborhood watch/human spy camera. Wanna know who has been sneaking their compost into your garbage cans? Who does that hooker end up with in the alley on Thursdays at 3:20am? If you sit in the window for 4 hours, how many men with red hats and a limp will walk by? I can answer all these pressing questions for you and more! You’ll be wishing you didn’t know your neighbors! I can even take photos. If you want better quality than cell shots, you will need to provide your own camera.

Two-ply toilet paper and wine with a cork, here I come!

Photo courtesy of Gary Woltal at Localism

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About the author

Jessica Longo - Two-Bit Reporter

Jessica was born, moved around a lot and has an odd dialect to prove it (see: hella, bubbler, and cawfee), and is now precariously settled in SF. Despite graduating high school too many years ago to count, she was crowned Prom Queen this summer and considers her life complete now. Last year her production editing job was outsourced to the Philippines. Hope they like it. Luckily for you, this Lady of Leisure is currently accepting applications for the position of Wealthy Benefactor.
  • blickblondhi

    shit. this wasn’t serious AT ALL!