Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Decent Into Hell

Underwearz. Most of yours are probably pretty sad-looking, if you are a lady, because bra and underwear shopping sucks and is super expensive. I understand. Most of the time I prefer to wear what is basically a sports bra, because it goes well with all my racerback shirts and is super comfortable. Plus, I do not really care about underwear. If the person who regularly sees me naked would dare criticize my sad undergarments, I would be like, Oh I’m sorry, I guess I’ll just put my boobs away!!

But good lord, let’s keep it real, that shit is unattractive. No one is turned on by a pair of organic cotton bloomers that lost all their elasticity several washes ago. It’s time to buy some new ones!

Victoria’s Secret is awful, and the semi-annual sale is by far the worst time to ever be in a Victoria’s Secret, but the prices do make it worth it. Yesterday, every pair of underwear was $2.99!! Amazing. Plus, with a little preparedness, you won’t want to kill yourself or any of the salespeople during this trip.

1) Try and shop before 5pm or on a weekday

I went on a Thursday after a dentist appointment, and it was packed but manageable. Don’t ever go on a weekend. The crowds are completely dehumanizing, and people will get just plain nasty in the struggle for the last black Biofit 34B. It’s a disturbing event that you don’t want to put yourself through.

2) Don’t bring your boyfriend shopping

Unless you secretly hate him. Then, by all means.

3) There is some nice underwear underneath the retarded ones, so be diligent

The “Victoria” in Victoria’s Secret, is not, of course, an actual person, and instead stands for the fashions of Victorian England in general. However, if she were a real person, Victoria would have to have the lowest self-esteem ever.

There really is some nice stuff underneath the junk, though. I recommend ignoring the bins and just going straight through the drawers below each display. It’s way faster.

4) Be weary of salespeople trying to give you “accurate” measurements

Every time I am in this store someone wants to measure me and tell me my bra size, and I always get a different answer, despite the fact that my boobs have been relatively unchanged since the 10th grade. It’s often a size smaller than what I usually wear, but I’m not Posh Spice and don’t need my cleavage hanging out near my collar bone, so I’m always like, great, thank you! Then completely disregard their measurement advice.

5) Ignore skeazy fellow shoppers there to re-sell stuff on Ebay

Yesterday there were five rather destitute-looking old men shopping next to me, dumping mass quantities of stuff into bags. They could have been shopping for their wives or girlfriends, but I sort of doubt it, because occasionally they’d hold up a pair of thongs, eyebrows raised, and try to make eye contact with any woman nearby, to communicate that they could picture you in said pair of underwear, and they liked what they saw!! In their imagination!

Eeew.

In conclusion, there are only a few more days to put yourself through all this in the name of cheap underwear, as the sale goes until around the 17th. Godspeed.

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About the author

Katy B. - Economic Inexpert

Katy B. grew up in Grand Rapids, Michigan, the home of Gerald R. Ford, Andy Richter, and, at one point, the guy who wrote Mr. Holland’s Opus. She moved to NYC for her degree in library science, and is now in the Media Studies program at The New School. She hopes to one day be a film studies librarian. Ask her anything about Dewey Decimal – anything! – and she will roll her eyes because academic libraries use Library of Congress. Durrr.
  • Jeffrey Anthony

    I’m all about new opportunities for people of like minds, so don’t think of me as negative towards people’s sexual preference here, but…

    I’ve heard many women complain about stalker like behavior from other women using the place as a pickup club. It’s not just us dirty old men.

  • Katy

    Pssshh. That’s because women love to be hit on, no matter where we are. Victoria’s Secret, a battered women’s shelter, abortion clinic…

  • Nelly

    I would actually disagree about the bra fitting, but I also wouldn’t get my measurements done at Victoria’s. I was once a 34h who had been buying 36dd from Victoria’s. Then one day when I was visiting my beloved parents, my mom offered to take me to a specialty bra store and buy me some real bras that I was too cheap to even look at. Turned out I was VERY off on my actual size and once I actually knew my size bra shopping wasn’t such a pain in the ass.