Sorry, guys, but I had to. However you feel about Black Swan– I feel like my friends are of two camps: (1) It was a tour-de force gripping thrill ride, or (2) It was the campiest mother-effing thing since the birth of “No more wire hangers”. I, on the other hand, just…didn’t get whether or not it was supposed to by campy or super serious. The CGI, Skinemax, and sort of hilarious murdery/thriller scenes, and of course the iconic masturbation scene kind of threw me for a loop in terms of “getting on board” with the tone– whatever the tone actually was.
ANYWAY, the real point here is that whatever your “take away” was from the movie, it was certainly entertaining, right? If for nothing else what we can all learn about sex and dating in this mad world (by Gary Jules, not the original version by Tears for Fears).
1) Girls going wild still apparently means lesbianism for the sake of men’s enjoyment
I mean, good for Darren Aronofsky for getting the pair of high school-esque reggaeton-listening dudes sitting next to me during the movie that probably have no interest whatsoever in ballet to actually pay cash money to see a movie starring all women. But like, those Mila/Natalie sex scenes were HYSTERICAL, for better or worse. For those of us in real life who want to lez it up, don’t do it for anyone else’s benefit. Otherwise, that’s just kind of the opposite of going “wild”.
2) Being a crazy skinnypath is hot according to morning news people
Remember all those ballerina/Black Swan diets people on morning news shows were pitching a little while back? You know, the same people who are constantly pushing women to want to get married and to do anything so that guys will like you? I mean, certainly most heterosexual males enjoy very skinny women, but like, if you’re not already naturally skinny, you’re certainly not going to have fun getting there on a crash diet; thereby canceling out any possible enjoyment you can get out of life, pretty much ever.
3) Don’t masturbate in front of your mom!
I know it’s tempting to somehow never look two feet in front of you and begin masturbating only to find your mother seated in a chair, staring at you. But, ya know, don’t do it guys. It’s embarrassing! Instead, if you must shame yourself, encircle yourself with one to fifty creepy stuffed animals. Fellow contributor Ashley Friedman has actually already made this a video meme on vimeo . I would post a link or something here, but I don’t want any “olds” getting a hold of it and completely misinterpreting everything…ifyouknowwhatimean.
4) Living with your mom kills your social life
I mean, aside from creepily watching you masturbate, there’s like, no way you can take anyone home with you unless you stick a random piece of wood in the corner of the door…but then again [SPOILER ALERT!], that part wasn’t even real! OR WAS IT? Either way, like, even if your mom has a sick apartment, it’s probably time to move out.
5) Play the field….even within one night
Remember how Natalie and Mila are talking to those one guys at the club but then after they take the e, they end up with totally different ones? Sometimes it’s good to not put your eggs in one basket too early in the night. Plus, you’re not going to remember anything anyway the next day. Also, it’s a really good idea to take ecstasy with complete strangers and if you’re already borderline insane. Jay kay!