Sometimes Netflix has you pidgeonholed a little TOO well– for example, yes, I do happen to like witty workplace TV comedies. But, whenever I look under the “Romance” section, which, I’m not entirely sure why it exists– like, shouldn’t it just be under drama? Oh wait, IT ALREADY IS. And if they’re comedies, etc. etc. So, yeah, I don’t understand. And not that I should have to defend myself, but when I get stuck on picking a movie, I look under “Romance” sometimes, ok? SOPHIES CHOICE is in there, for fuck’s sake, so it’s not like it’s all movies about Fabio or whatever.
Anyhow, here are some movies in Netflix’s Top 25 that I will probably NEVER EVER see, no matter how many times they put it in front of me.
It’s rated #5, guys. Number five. I know at this point it’s been a punchline for years now, but just look at the description:
“Smooth and sexy Alex “Hitch” Hitchens (Will Smith) is the master of seduction in this charming romantic comedy. His specialty? Helping clueless clients make a great first impression so they not only get to the second date, but make someone fall for them. When a gossip reporter (Eva Mendes) starts nosing around his business, however, Hitch finds himself out of moves as he forgets all his lessons and has to figure out a whole new strategy to love.”
First of all, why would even a gossip reporter give a shit about some rando? Secondly, there is nothing that interests me less than dudes with “all the right moves” until LOVE HAPPENS ACTUALLY! To quote the one thing I’ve ever agreed with Eminem on, Will Smith doesn’t have to curse in his songs to sell records, well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too. Also, I hate that Kevin James continues to be cast opposite impossibly attractive women. I HATE IT.
2) Tristan & Isolde
Upon a very, very superficial first glance, one would think that I’d be in to this sort of thing– it’s a period piece, and James Franco is in it. The thing is, just because there’s a vague historical component doesn’t mean it’s got anything deep to say– which, if the stiff acting in every clip I’ve seen of this movie is any indication, it doesn’t. Also, why is this the first time I’ve ever heard of Tristan and Isolde? Are they a thing? Maybe I’m just not Irish enough….or at all.
3) Just Like Heaven
There was a super weird dead girl/boyfriend movie phenomenon in the mid- to-late 2000s and I’ont’laaakit! I blame this movie especially for the prevalence of such things. I guess Reese Witherspoon is a ghost and Mark Ruffalo thinks his apartment is just like heaven….because she’s an outraged ghost….and I guess heaven is full of outraged ghosts. I never thought I’d long for the days of the movie Ghost, where REALLY outraged ghosts could possess Whoopi Goldberg, hunt down Willie Lopez, sing Henry VII I am I am, interface with the “get off my train” guy, and have names like Sam Wheat– which really, should be a beer. Someone should get on that.
4) Over Her Dead Body
So, this ISN’T Ghosts of Girlfriends Past (rated #6, btw)? And the star is Eva Longoria? I can’t even believe anyone still remembered or cared who she was back in 2008 to the point that she’s the star of this movie. Lake Bell and Paul Rudd co-star, which is unfortunate. Paul Rudd, you really need to branch out of rom-com films and get to working on more hilarious Party Down-type TV shows. Films like this really make the argument for TV is the new feature film.
5) Shall We Dance?
You know what’t funny is that this movie didn’t even earn one star. NOT ONE, and yet it is still at #19. So, for starters: post-Selena Jennifer Lopez is in it, which can only mean that everyone who produced this movie is horrible– and, you know, the movie itself. Second, Richard Gere post-1990 is in it, which means zzzzzzzzzz….sorry, did I not finish my sentence? If Jennifer Aniston is beige personified, then present day Richard Gere is the beige planet she was born on. Also, dancing? No thanks. This is why I could never see Strictly Ballroom.