Don’t Worry, I Won’t Judge You…

Y’all ready for this?

So, I guess if you are reading this right now, you aren’t one of the lucky 300,000,000 people Jesus decided to make a fucking comeback to “save” today…

According to Harold Camping, May 21, 2011 marks the second coming of Jesus. Well, this is Camping’s second attempt at claiming this, since his prediction in 1994 was a big, fat failure. Camping is Christian radio figure from Oakland, California.  He’s brainwashed tons of people into believing this shit. Apparently, at 6 pm today (he gives no reference to time zone, so let’s just say you East Coaster’s are toast in about 2 hours…) there will be a mega-earthquake when Jesus makes his grand entrance back into our world. Christ is so goddamn powerful, when he puts one toe on the earth, it’s just gonna start trembling like crazy. Um, yeah…for sure.

Anyways, Jesus is supposed to come back today to save only a chosen few who have dedicated their puny existences to his belief. I mean, if you really think this guy came out of a woman who never had sex … you might be one of the lucky ones. If not, you’re basically screwed.

The remaining people on Earth not saved by Jesus in the May 21 Rapture will be sentenced to 5 months of torment under the rule of Jesus during the “End of Days.”  The End Times will create anarchy, chaos, disasters, and pretty much the end of civilization as we know it.  Everyone left on earth will be well aware that Jesus is Lord, but savior will not be an option after May 21 Doomsday.

So where does this Camping get his info? Check out his whack equation here:

The number 5 equals “atonement”, the number 10 equals “completeness”, and the number 17 equals “heaven”.

Christ hung on the cross on April 1, 33 AD. The time between April 1, 33 AD and April 1, 2011 is 1,978 years.

If 1,978 is multiplied by 365.2422 days (the number of days in a solar year), the result is 722,449.

The time between April 1 and May 21 is 51 days.

51 + 722,449 = 722,500.

(5 × 10 × 17)2 or (atonement × completeness × heaven)2 also equals 722,500.

Thus, Camping concludes that 5 × 10 × 17 is telling us a “story from the time Christ made payment for our sins until we’re completely saved.”

If you can figure that shit out, you must be “just like Heaven.” The rest of us lucky bastards will be raging it up for the next 5 months. See you at the bar…order me a Racer “High” 5 and a double shot of Fernet. I’ll be right there, I just gotta wait for my “I Survived Judgement Day 2011” t-shirt to get here. Here’s a couple of songs to play on the jukebox while we’re you wait…

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ARVE Error: Mode: is invalid or not supported. Note that you will need the Pro Addon for lazyload modes.

Photo and Judgement Day equation courtesy of:

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Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Heidi Smith - The Ultimate Scavenger

Originally from San Diego, Heidi migrated north to study journalism at SFSU and interned for the SF Bay Guardian writing music stuff. She later embarked on a study-abroad program in both Denmark and Holland, and basically never came home. For six long years, she froze her ass off in Oslo, Norway, pretending to be a viking princess, trying to figure out how to survive in the most expensive city in the world. The other two years were spent frolicking on the beach in Spain - sipping on sangria in between being tossed around Europe working as a stressed-out journalist. Heidi currently works at for a non-profit cultural exchange program, helping others experience life from a different perspective. She is thrilled to be back in SF, magnetizing the obscure, and scavenging the city for fun, free things to do.