Ah, summer blockbusters: They have a reputation for being especially vapid. Often visually overcooked with little or no story line, it seems as though Hollywood collectively decided that the best medicine for the heat is to flood your brain with total garbage. Remember The Last Airbender? How about You Don’t Mess with the Zohan? I defy you to defend either one of those films and still maintain that your opinion is worth a damn.
Why should this year be any different? Well, it’s not. Although I haven’t seen any of these movies — and the following analyses are purely speculative — it seems clear that you shouldn’t spend your hard-earned pay on them (at least until they’re released on Netflix).
Green Lantern – Raise your hand if you’re tired of over-produced, over-the-top, testosterone-studded man-jams! I hope to hell that I’m not alone. Sure, this flick might be cool if you’re ten, but I doubt that even nerds will spring for it. The excessive use of CG makes movies look affected (and usually indicates a weak-ass storyline); and, quite frankly, I feel embarrassed as a viewer. I think Lantern’s one saving grace will be Ryan Reynolds’s talent and effortless charm. And maybe his chiseled physique.
Bad Teacher – Please tell me how Cameron Diaz, the bubbly, blonde sweetheart who we know fondly as “Mary” was cast as a bad teacher. Yeah, I’ve seen the preview, but she’s just not selling it. Every nasty remark that leaves her lips seems forced. How did she get the job in the first place? Just by being hot? I don’t think so. And there’s no way a teacher would get away with throwing a bouncy ball, full speed, at a 12-year-old’s face. The most interesting aspect of this movie appears to be Justin Timberlake (What else is new?), but mostly because he and Diaz used to have a thing. Watch the trailer and see for yourself how the screenwriter went for the lowest-hanging fruit on this one.
The Smurfs – No explanation necessary.
Friends With Benefits – What? Didn’t this movie already come out, like, last year? They’re not fooling anyone with this one: it’s just a funnier version of No Strings Attached. Except, I happen to think Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman are way hotter together (Okay, so Justin Timberlake just doesn’t do it for me.). How many movies do we need to remind us that sexing your best friend is usually a very bad idea? In real life, it usually doesn’t end with love; it ends with an expanding wedge between you and your best friend. Or, at the very least, a permanent mental image of what their wiggly bits look like.
Final Destination 5 – If you paid to see any of the other Final Destinations, then you’ve already seen this movie. I really don’t know when they’re going to call it quits with the whole film series, but it needed to end, like, yesterday. It inspires me to recite the prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the producers of Final Destination 5 the courage to change the future of these tired productions; and the US market the wisdom to know better.” But hey, kudos to the writers for constantly dreaming up new and utterly ridiculous ways to die. You’ve effectively instilled paranoia in all of us.
Thanks to Spill for the pic.