I love New York. I was born and raised here, currently live here and I might die here next week. (Word of advice: stay on a woman’s good side.) Yet the city life and people you have to deal with can be so annoying at times. Here are my top three pet peeves about the Big Apple.
1. They’re Walking, They’re Walking…Then They Suddenly Stop
What the fuck?!?! I mean seriously, if you know you’re walking into a congested location or an area where people are in a mad hurry to get where they’re going, please don’t just abruptly transform into inanimate object, especially when I’m walking two feet behind you. If you’re lost or you just have the sudden urge to be stuck on stupid, all I ask is that you kindly step to the side. This not only keeps you out of harm’s way but it also keeps everybody else on schedule. I’m warning you, because the next time someone starts daydreaming at the top of the stairs, blocking my path to the subway entrance, that person is getting drop-kicked down those steps. Fuck you!!! I have a train to catch, granny.
2. Roaches & Rats
No matter how clean you may keep your apartment, you’ll have at least one roach. And that fucker will not die or go away until it infuriates you in every aspect of your life. If you’re eating, he’ll be there. If you’re dropping a deuce, he’ll be there. If you’re having the greatest sex of your life, he’ll be there. I don’t even try to kill them anymore. I honestly believe they’re immune to anything you throw at them. At this point I just co-exist with them like in Joe’s Apartment and hope they help out with the laundry.
Rats on the other hand. Nope, cannot deal with them. Sure they look like they’re the size of a Rottweiler on the subway tracks but it’s not until you see these mammoth beasts roaming the streets of New York that you truly shit your pants. I don’t know about you but when I see Sinatra and his Rat Pack heading in my direction I tend to cross the street. Last night I had an MTA worker tell me a story about a rat that stood his ground, ready to attack. With that said, where’s the Pied Piper when you need one?
3. No Heat or Hot Water In The Winter
It occurs every year. It’s below freezing temperature and your building has no heat or hot water running. It happens like clockwork. Sometimes you have to sacrifice yourself just to be clean and jump into an ice cold shower in 20-degree weather. I’ve done it, you’ve done it and we all regret it afterwards. Yeah, we all complain to the building’s superintendent but he’s just following the slum, ahem, landlord’s orders so he can save some money. It sucks because it always happens at the worst time.
Those are my top three pet-peeves about New York. What are yours?