You see, I’m what they call a “creative genius.” I have a brain so out-of-control, half the time I can’t even make sense of the shit I come up with. All I know is that I am constantly sprouting figurative light bulbs out the top of my dome, having what Oprah (love you, Lady O!) refers to as “a-ha moments,” and finding inspiration in everything from chubby babies to dog shows. It’s great to be inspired all of the time– the problem is, my business sense is zilch. Zero. I may have went to Calculus Camp in high school, but my aptitude for numbers clearly doesn’t translate over to rakin’ in dinero for my kick-ass concepts. So, this is an open call. I’m looking for a business partner. Someone with some logic and real world know-how. Help me make one of these ideas a success, and I guarantee you that we’ll both be shot out of cannons while wearing fabulous sequined formalwear and holding champagne flutes. We’ll be propelled to The Top.
Of course we won’t use our new-found fame and fortune to become pretentious, self-indulgent bitches. We’ll model our lives after the goddess Oprah herself, building schools in impoverished countries, and making sure that our best friends/secret same-sex lovers get to go on awesome trips with us, and wear Prada whenever they feel like it. But I’m getting ahead of myself– we gotta make our money first. Here are my sure-fire, get-rich-quick ideas. Help me make my– our– dreams a reality:
1) Dolphin-Shaped Exercise Bike: I, for one, would probably exercise more often if the experience was more like straddling a toothy, overly-peppy sea mammal. For this, I propose inventing a stationary exercise bike shaped like a dolphin. The blowhole would be a drinking fountain. ”Goodbye,” risk of getting Type 2 Diabetes; “hello,” becoming one step closer to achieving my childhood dream of being a marine life-imprisoning Sea World employee.
2) Miss Tress: The greatest television show of all time hasn’t been created yet, and that’s because it’s in my head. Wouldn’t you like to watch a Sex and the City-meets-Strangers with Candy-esque sitcom, in which the leading lady is a tacky, aging, bleach blonde, tanorexic, body glitter-covered hairstylist/sexual exhibitionist who meets guys on Craigslist Casual Encounters? But what happens when she wants one of these encounters to not be so casual, and falls for an unavailable man? There will be love. There will be perms. There will be lots of garish lingerie by Fredrick’s of Hollywood. There will be a sassy gay shampoo boy, who double times as a sage best friend. There will be cat hair all over everything in this lady’s apartment, and X-rated pictures of her on the Internet. Help me get Miss Tress on HBO!
3) www.hotbitches.com: It’s like OKCupid… for dogs.
4) New York Kitty: The Kitty That Never Sleeps: My friend Mike and I often dream of making a coffee table book filled with photos of cats dressed up as New York City stereotypes. Picture a tabby dressed up as a cab driver, a cute tuxedo cat sporting the “art snob” uniform of a black turtleneck and statement glasses, or a majestic long-haired Persian feline wearing the sidecurls and black hat of a Hasidic Jew. Also to be featured in the book: Chelsea Boy Kitty, Construction Worker Kitty, Wall Street Kitty, Brooklyn Hipster Kitty, Upper East Side Grandma Kitty, Fashionista Kitty, Woody Allen Kitty, Puerto Rican Teenager Kitty, Sex and the Kitty (if those buzzkills at PETA let us get away with it, that is), Pizza-by-the-Slice Kitty, Dumpling-Frying Kitty, Taco Truck Kitty, PR Chick Kitty, Beatnik Kitty, Tina Fey Kitty, and much, much more. You can help us sew the cat costumes and scout feline models. I think this beauty looks purr-fect:
So, do you have business savvy? Do you think any of these ideas will bring me the success I’ve always dreamed of? With your help, I am (semi-) confident that I– we– can (might) make names for ourselves in this world (on Twitter), and leave behind legacies (a week of Internet publicity) of marine-themed exercise equipment and cats-in-costume. No more working part-time at that cafe, or full-time at that boring contract office job– our project will no doubt (maybe) be successful enough to launch us into a new phase of fabulousness. Look out world, we’re comin’ at ya– and we’re comin’ at ya with sitcoms about polyamorous, middle aged hairdressers! So what do you say, huh? Wanna take one of my gold star ideas to Oprah proportions? Get at me. It will be a pleasure doing business with you.