Life is intense. The sun is always too bright. The streets are always too dirty. Your friends are always too dull. Your girlfriend is always wearing those horrible pants you hate. At some point over the past million years or so of facing these realities, Man thought to himself: “Why do I put up with this? My friend just offered me his timeshare in Boca, and I’m going!”
So Man ran off to Boca. But then, that too eventually reached its inevitable nadir. By and by, Man thought to himself: “there must be something I can do about this godless vacuum in which I am destined to suffer.”
And so liquor came to be.
And what a ride it has been ever since.
Yet, drinking may be one of your more expensive activities. $4 for a can of PBR? Ridiculous. No way some blue-collar construction worker pays $4 for a PBR. You know what is also super expensive? Bailing yourself out of jail. Bondsman Barry doesn’t give out money for free.
Once in a while a female might drag you to a nightclub. You might not have even heard of it on account of the fact that it wants nothing to do with your kind and therefore does not waste its energy informing you of its presence. You then find out that a drink is $17. But then, what are you going to do? You’re there and Karen or Kelly is having a good time with her friends so you suck it up and get plastered too in the hopes of having a drunken orgy. That never happens. You wake up the next day at the early hour of 8:30 am, trapped in a painful paralysis: too nauseous to move and too hung over to fall asleep.
Next you look at your bank statement and your stomach sinks, pushing your nausea to its zenith at which point you puke your brains out.
So drinking is expensive.
And if you’re serious about maintaining a broke-ass lifestyle you need to seriously consider the amount of money you pour into your cup each night.
You could save hundreds of dollars each month if you just cut down on the drinking.
No, you don’t have to join a cult or get new friends.
Yes, you can still go out to the bar.
Yes, you can hold on to that famous mystique that makes you so popular with your anarcho-yuppie-trust-fund-marxist clique.
We’ll get to that in a minute. But first, let me tell you how to deal with the tragically disappointing sober world.
1) Pretend you are an anthropologist documenting an incredibly absurd, yet fascinating, culture.
2) Anytime the conversation starts to drag, go over to a window and stare at the sky. Replay a Seinfeld episode in your head.
3) Compensate by eating. A lot.
Okay, so we’ve covered how you’re going to mentally cope. What about the “others.” Surely, they’ll think you’re a total dweeb for not drinking.
Here’s the secret.
Instead of droning on and on about how you’re so broke, order a soda water with lime. While doing so be sure to stare off into the ether with a mournful look on your face. Tip the bartender exactly $1. Put it on the counter with the most sincere regret you can muster. If someone asks you what you’re drinking, purse your lips and say, in a terse voice, “just water for me.” Respond to jokes with a pained smile.
DO NOT order a soft drink. Soft drinks are for goodie two-shoed momma’s boys. You’re not that kind of guy… not after all those tears momma shed for you.
So there you have it. The goal is to make everyone think that you have some dark past… that you’ve journeyed so far into the depths of human depravity that you almost didn’t make it back out… that you keep a respectful distance from liquor because you understand what it can do to a man.
Wait and see how long it takes for people to start saying: “That dude is awesome. You know he doesn’t even drink?”
Photo Credit: jessecollins.com