It’s Fall! Winter’s sneaky little sidekick is creeping up on us quickly. As I write this you may be chopping down a bundle of firewood to get you through the upcoming frozen hell of whatever place you live in.
Fall hasn’t reached California yet. We are still blessed with jacket-optional days and cloud-free nights. I only know it’s Fall because my sister keeps inundating my Facebook feed with how excited she is to freeze her ass off and remain a loser shut-in. She must have used the word “cozy” 17 times in the last week. I think she wants to buy sweaters or something boring like that. WE GET IT, you have no life. Staying inside helps you feel better about it. Some people are still trying to enjoy summer, boner wrecker.
Each and every time the impending doom of the season change is mentioned, my heart turns cold and I feel a violent storm arising in whatever part of my body my feelings are stored. It’s the shifty rage that comes only from imagining myself a few months from now being forced into bulky layers and awkward indoor parties. If I let the fire of hating winter burn, it will consume me before my first costume party.
So, for now, I’m trying to find some good things about the Fall season. I have managed to use the sun’s cheery energy to compile this list:
1. Whiskey cider: Whiskey + apple cider + oranges + cloves. Simmer until it’s ready. You’ll know when. Drank it.
2. Football: More excuses to yell indoors.
3. Buying new sweaters: Yeah, right. This sucks. Besides, what’s wrong with the ones you already have?
4. Warmth via intimate relations: Sex makes you hot. Have some.
6. Saving money: Bad weather may be the best excuse to stay in. Save your money, children. You’ll need it when Summer brings the party back.
7. Squash, pomegranates, cranberries, pumpkins, potatoes.
8. NEW HATS: Hats are the lazy man’s hair gel.
9. Kids go to school: Drink your morning coffee in peace.
10. Fuck your diet: No, seriously. You’ll need the ass fat in December.
11. Getting a cold: They’re kinda fun if you want an excuse to take a day off and force someone to get you things at the grocery store.
12. Heat on, pants off.
13. Satisfaction: There is something indescribably warm and fuzzy about braving the chilly temps and meeting your friends at the bar.
15. Doing crafts: Crafts are awesome, just ask Pinterest.
16. Baths: Baths are fun, bring a friend. (See number 4.)
17. Oversleeping: I’m getting lazy just writing this list.
18. Fog: Okay, this is where I make a turn to the dark side. I love fog. It’s spooky and magical and makes me feel like I’m playing a 24/7 game of hide-and-please-don’t-murder-me with ghosts.
19. GHOSTS. OMG GHOSTS.
20. Fall vacation: This is when you’re over the shitty weather two weeks into the season and you say, “F this. I have friends in Vegas.” And my “friends” I the guy who you end up taking pre-Vegas airplane body shots and end up taking a limo back to your hotel with. Or the guy at Bill’s Gamblin’ Hall who gives you his $.15 voucher from which you win $1.75!
I think I’ve got all bases covered. Basically, I’m not going anywhere until the sun comes back. If you need me I’ll be in my apartment knitting socks and making a bathtub out of this old barrel I found.