I don’t know what it is, but over the years I’ve noticed a certain trend about me and offices: I always seem to get myself into trouble with members of the opposite sex. And let me be clear: by “trouble” I mean the good, naughty kind. Of course, I can’t take all the credit here; workplaces are notorious for fostering relationships – appropriate or otherwise. Post-work happy hour drinks lead to post-happy-hour-drinks, which lead to post-happy-hour-blackouts, which lead to: Nothing. Good. Ever.
If you’ve not yet included these in your at-work flirting arsenal, here are some tried and true ways to ensure you get your ass canned and possibly even slammed with a sexual harassment lawsuit. Go team!
-Grab coworkers’ butts when you’re behind them on the stairs. I’ve found that this one is a favorite amongst gay male coworkers with nice butts, as they didn’t spend all that time on the StairMaster for nothing, girl! But if you’re a lady grabbing a gay male’s butt, you’re doing the sexual harassment thing all wrong. Try it with a straight male coworker and well, the reaction doesn’t really vary much. Boys be proud of their booties!
-Send an email to a cute coworker that says, “Wtf was that memo from human resources about inappropriate office behavior?!?!? On another note, I think I just INTERROBANGED you. Wink.” They’ll like it because you’re coy and witty and sexually suggestive because you used the word BANG.
-Roofie their coffee. This will set off a chain of events wherein you get to play the hero by saving them from falling into the train tracks or something. Also, be about 30 years older than them and dress really eccentrically. It will one day become an inside joke that will bring you closer together and will probably eventually be the basis for a romantic comedy starring Justin Bieber and Helena Bonham Carter. Love is so crazy!
-If it’s really hot in the office, remove several articles of clothing, including your shoes, socks, and shirt if you’re a man. This will remind your coworkers of being at home after work and will therefore relax everyone and make you more likable in their eyes because they will associate you with a stress-free environment. If you’re a woman, do the trick where you unhook your bra in the back, flip the straps down your shoulders and arms and pull the bra out of one of your sleeves. It’s like magic, and it will keep your crush on his toes, as he will probably be feeling an odd mixture of impressed, confused, and turned on.
-If you’re in an occupation where you’re not chained to a desk, like a janitor or an MTA employee, take advantage of your freedom! If you see a coworker or other potential romantic interest, corner them in a closet or other contained, dark space and attempt to kiss them. Or stand uncomfortably close to them in the elevator and rhythmically squeeze your boobs together in front of them, kind of like you’re doing some sort of resistance training with an invisible rubber band. If you’re a dude, draw attention to the fact that you are slowly pulling the front of your pants up really high so that the object of your lust can clearly see the outline of your package in your khakis. Do either of these things while staring your crush directly in the eyes.
-When giving an office presentation, make sure to have something embarrassing yet sexy as your screen saver, like a picture of you lounging around in only your matching bra and panty set. Act all surprised and quickly change screens but secretly know that everyone in the room will be thinking about you in your underwear. And you will be thinking about them in theirs, not because you’re nervous about public speaking, but because you’re a total horn ball and are probably about thisclose to getting your ass fired.