In collaboration with our own Ashley Friedman – Cornerstore Correspondent
True, most everyone deserves a chance.But, that chance was given the second you showed up at your first date.Here are 18 signs that you should run far, far away:
Not the bible!
1.Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead is arguably, a classic piece of modern literature.However, to use this as one’s personal bible is a classic and essential ingredient of the heinously pseudo intellectual, self-righteous egomaniac.I’m not going to name any names, but almost across the board I have found this to be true.Again, I’m not saying that liking this book means you’re a horrible person, but taking this to heart and justifying the flaming assholery you commit means PRECISELY that.
2. They think that the autobiography of a sports figure counts as a book.This guarantees that they’re illiterate and/or incredibly uninteresting.
3.If he can’t get it up more than once, this is probably a pattern, and most likely, has nothing to do with you personally.In my (undesirable) experiences, it has more to do with crazy shit all up in their heads, ranging from inadequacy to depression to potentially repressed homosexuality.I mean, it sucks to dismiss someone for this reason, but face it: you’re never going to have satisfying sex with this person.Probably ever.If you’re willing to suffer through that, more power to you I guess.I know, though, that I’m just not of those forgiving, patient people, end of story.
4. If he’s into Asian/any other minority fetishism These guys are just one step away from ordering a mail order bride and/or locking you in their basement.
5.This might be pretty obvious, but if they lean in for a kiss and declare that you plant one on them in a totally non-joking way, just run.As far away as possible.And, yes, this did actually happen to me.
6.If they’re shady/secretive/vague about their marital status, they’re probably married.And you don’t want no part of that, gurl.I’m going to go ahead and declare that across the board, DO NOT get involved with a married man in ANY way.It can be more complicated and get to a point more ugly than you can even conceive (presuming you, the reader, are single. If you’re married yourself, then, seriously, you are on a direct flight to wreck-your-life-ville).Just don’t do it, you seriously don’t even want to find out.I have not done this personally, but I have heard so many horror stories, that any vague foul temptation I may have had has been officially scared straight out of me.
7.If there is anything you can’t get past about them physically, you’re probably never going to get past it.If for nothing else, do it for the poor slob’s feelings, you horrible superficial bitch.But seriously, though this can be seen as a total dick move, but, like, if you’re not physically attracted to someone, you just aren’t, and you can’t force it.This DOES NOT mean that one should not or can not be capable of being attracted to someone who does not meet conventional standards of beauty.Let me digress for a second and tell you a tale.I once went out on a blind date (BTW, hardly ever a good idea)with a dude who turned out to have, for lack of a better description, seriously large donkey-like ears and teeth that looked like little pieces of coal.Had he been more attractive personality-wise, perhaps I would’ve been more able to overlook those things.But he wasn’t, and I couldn’t.And that was the end of that.I know, though, I would have been doing a disservice to another girl out there who likes that sort of thing, had I just gone along with it.And who am I to stand in the way of donkey love? Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
8.They use the word “dog” when referring to a male friend or acquaintance.Chances are, they also currently or have at one point worn puka shells and listen to Widespread Panic.And you just need no part of that.
10. If you get a bad feeling about them AND their name is Chad, case closed.People named Chad are riff raff.
President of the Borges reading group
11. Nothing says “pretentious asshole” like joining a Jorge Luis Borges reading group under the age of 24. Nuff said.
12. They are okay with girls being anorexic until they get to the point where they are too skinny to be considered attractive.These are the types of guys who read Maxim and don’t understand irony.
13. If they have a tendency to make you feel cornered in any way especially when it comes to sharing private details about yourself. Chances are, they have no sense of boundaries and probably don’t have a problem cornering you into other, more violating activities. There is a fine balance in coming across as assertive and confident versus pushy and creepy.It’s an art that, in my experience, has mostly been perfected by men on the older or more mature side.No, I don’t mean octogenarians, you sickos.
14. He tries to speak Japanese to the sushi waiter, Spanish to the taco stand guy, etc.Especially if the sushi waiter is Mexican.
15. You recommend something (band, food, movie, whatever) to him and he doesn’t say anything, but when someone else tells him about it, he checks it out and then tells you about it like its news.
16. He talks about his “craft.”
17. Because he considers himself well traveled, he uses the word “Americans” to describe the other people in this country, as though he’s not oneâ€¦regardless that he’s from some bourgie suburb.
18. He doesn’t think girls are funny, and then tries to prove his point by throwing it back in your face that you don’t see the humor in the fact that you are not amused by it. Just like this Christopher Hitchens.