18 Signs to Never to Date Him Again

 In collaboration with our own Ashley Friedman – Cornerstore Correspondent

True, most everyone deserves a chance.But, that chance was given the second you showed up at your first date.Here are 18 signs that you should run far, far away:

Not the bible!

1.Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead is arguably, a classic piece of modern literature.However, to use this as one’s personal bible is a classic and essential ingredient of the heinously pseudo intellectual, self-righteous egomaniac.I’m not going to name any names, but almost across the board I have found this to be true.Again, I’m not saying that liking this book means you’re a horrible person, but taking this to heart and justifying the flaming assholery you commit means PRECISELY that.

2. They think that the autobiography of a sports figure counts as a book.This guarantees that they’re illiterate and/or incredibly uninteresting.

3.If he can’t get it up more than once, this is probably a pattern, and most likely, has nothing to do with you personally.In my (undesirable) experiences, it has more to do with crazy shit all up in their heads, ranging from inadequacy to depression to potentially repressed homosexuality.I mean, it sucks to dismiss someone for this reason, but face it: you’re never going to have satisfying sex with this person.Probably ever.If you’re willing to suffer through that, more power to you I guess.I know, though, that I’m just not of those forgiving, patient people, end of story.

4.  If he’s into Asian/any other minority fetishism These guys are just one step away from ordering a mail order bride and/or locking you in their basement.

5.This might be pretty obvious, but if they lean in for a kiss and declare that you plant one on them in a totally non-joking way, just run.As far away as possible.And, yes, this did actually happen to me.

6.If they’re shady/secretive/vague about their marital status, they’re probably married.And you don’t want no part of that, gurl.I’m going to go ahead and declare that across the board, DO NOT get involved with a married man in ANY way.It can be more complicated and get to a point more ugly than you can even conceive (presuming you, the reader, are single. If you’re married yourself, then, seriously, you are on a direct flight to wreck-your-life-ville).Just don’t do it, you seriously don’t even want to find out.I have not done this personally, but I have heard so many horror stories, that any vague foul temptation I may have had has been officially scared straight out of me.

7.If there is anything you can’t get past about them physically, you’re probably never going to get past it.If for nothing else, do it for the poor slob’s feelings, you horrible superficial bitch.But seriously, though this can be seen as a total dick move, but, like, if you’re not physically attracted to someone, you just aren’t, and you can’t force it.This DOES NOT mean that one should not or can not be capable of being attracted to someone who does not meet conventional standards of beauty.Let me digress for a second and tell you a tale.I once went out on a blind date (BTW, hardly ever a good idea)with a dude who turned out to have, for lack of a better description, seriously large donkey-like ears and teeth that looked like little pieces of coal.Had he been more attractive personality-wise, perhaps I would’ve been more able to overlook those things.But he wasn’t, and I couldn’t.And that was the end of that.I know, though, I would have been doing a disservice to another girl out there who likes that sort of thing, had I just gone along with it.And who am I to stand in the way of donkey love? Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

8.They use the word “dog” when referring to a male friend or acquaintance.Chances are, they also currently or have at one point worn puka shells and listen to Widespread Panic.And you just need no part of that.

9.They wear obnoxious sunglasses. Exhibit A, B & C:

10. If you get a bad feeling about them AND their name is Chad, case closed.People named Chad are riff raff.

President of the Borges reading group

11.  Nothing says “pretentious asshole” like joining a Jorge Luis Borges reading group under the age of 24. Nuff said.

12. They are okay with girls being anorexic until they get to the point where they are too skinny to be considered attractive.These are the types of guys who read Maxim and don’t understand irony.

13.  If they have a tendency to make you feel cornered in any way especially when it comes to sharing private details about yourself. Chances are, they have no sense of boundaries and probably don’t have a problem cornering you into other, more violating activities. There is a fine balance in coming across as assertive and confident versus pushy and creepy.It’s an art that, in my experience, has mostly been perfected by men on the older or more mature side.No, I don’t mean octogenarians, you sickos.

14. He tries to speak Japanese to the sushi waiter, Spanish to the taco stand guy, etc.Especially if the sushi waiter is Mexican.

15. You recommend something (band, food, movie, whatever) to him and he doesn’t say anything, but when someone else tells him about it, he checks it out and then tells you about it like its news.

16. He talks about his “craft.”

17. Because he considers himself well traveled, he uses the word “Americans” to describe the other people in this country, as though he’s not one…regardless that he’s from some bourgie suburb.

18. He doesn’t think girls are funny, and then tries to prove his point by throwing it back in your face that you don’t see the humor in the fact that you are not amused by it. Just like this Christopher Hitchens.

 

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About the author

Anna G - Caliburg Contributor

Anna G. is a Southern California native living in the Williamsburg area of Brooklyn since 2005. Anna is constantly trying to unite her love of CA sunshine and the excitement of the New York urban jungle, all the while trying to keep her unwieldy credit card debt under control, and look fabulous at brunch, no matter how un-showered and hungover.

25 Comments

  1. Kat says:

    19. If he is foreign, run away the second that he mentions anything to do with the women in his “home country.” I once went on a date with a guy from the Czech Republic who told me I had real “Czech appeal.” He also told me other dirty things having to do with a teacher he used to have a crush on, but he had my nausea at “Czech appeal.”

  2. Rachel says:

    4. I met these guys in college who ONLY went after Jewish guys. The catch? One was black, one was Italian, and one was Swedish…all best friends. I am a Jewish girl…and the fetish thing? Weirded me out! What did we have that the Asian girls didn’t?

    Fabulous list, ladies!

  3. Andy says:

    “If there is anything you can’t get past about them physically…”

    If you’re this vain then O.K., some people are just like that. But when you get close to 40, or gain a few pounds, don’t be offended when you hear guys starting to say the same about you.

  4. tay says:

    similar to #18 but more specific, if he doesn’t laugh when you’re being funny.

    also, he doesn’t intoduce you to people when you go out and specifically not to new friends or co-workers, but holds 5 minute conversations with them while you stand uncomfortably by.

  5. Donkey says:

    I got two words for #3… Whiskey Dick

  6. Sara says:

    19. At any point during the conversation, he calls you “dude” or uses some other Californian surfer type jibberish word such as “rad” or “totally”. This goes for any played out gansta lingo like “come check out my crib” or “What’s the dilly-o?”, as well.

  7. SF says:

    I wish I were smart enough when I was that age to be in a Borges reading group! Also, for #3, I hope these women don’t date anyone who drinks. #16 is true, unless, of course, they are making pinatas. As for all the others, especially #1, I agree completely.

  8. Jessica says:

    Not to single out poor “Chad”, but seriously…that one, that one is just TOO MUCH! Hah, I have that same Chad-complex and was glad to see someone else out there too.

  9. but maxim is full of irony. look at all those witty photo captions!

  10. Hit me up dog if you want cogitate about the more nuanced points of Rand and Borges; it’s kinda my craft.
    besos,
    Chad

  11. Lady ya ya not ga ga says:

    21. He has no idea what manscapping is and his junk looks like something out National Geographic.

    22. He’s really really bad in bed. I was once with a lawyer and I had to think of Josh Hartnett just to get through it. Needless to say he never got to into my legal briefs again

  12. Keri says:

    He doesn’t tell you he’s married until AFTER you’ve been intimate with him.

    Ewwwwwwwwww……!!!!!!!

    Never wanted to throttle someone so much in my life.

  13. Alie says:

    #15… Seriously.. the amount of times this has happened. leaving me completely IRKED

  14. Julie says:

    omg I’m so glad I found your blog today. This list is hysterical!!! I cracked up on the “puka shells and widespread panic” line…

    can’t wait to read more!

  15. jesika says:

    hell-arious!

  16. The Chad bit is hands down one of the funniest things that has ever been on this site.

  17. 7. “teeth like pieces of coal” made me gag a little bit. Bad teeth are the only physical thing I can’t get past.

    One of mine is: Guy only has one, incredibly intense interest. I dated a guy briefly who played poker a lot, and read books about poker, etc. Yes, I hate poker, but I was more turned off by the the fact that poker was ALL he did for fun.

  18. I also try to avoid dudes who wear pants that are tighter than mine…which is difficult in Williamsburg.

  19. Chad says:

    #10 makes me sad. :-( I’m off to wherever it is that I change my name!

  20. Anna G - Caliburg Contributor says:

    It’s probably for the best, Chad

  21. Kimba says:

    Great list; so many I could add – like if you don’t like the way he kisses, it’s doomed. As I got older, I got less picky, but one date did make me plant a certain bar firmly. That was – he has to be able to keep himself alive for the duration of the date. Had a date with a guy who went swimming way too far out on the NoCal coast, and I had to try to rescue the bastard. I’ve had that rule ever since.

  22. heygobacktowhereyourefrom says:

    Just wanted to step in and defend dude, totally, and rad. Some of us actually talk like this – it is normal. Your’e the weirdo. Eat shit.

  23. TrueBlue says:

    Woah.. what a witty and clever misandristic article. Anna I hope you are lesbian because if not you are/might be in for a rude awakening when you get older… Or if you aren’t maybe you should become one since you wont have to be concerned with any of that “silly boy stuff” such as a long refractory period… haha… have a great day girl!

  24. Patrick Calahan says:

    Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead is very much more arguably the overlong, shrill and dull product of a hack posing as an intellectual.

  25. Laura says:

    Holt shit. Number one was my ex to a “T”. Wish I would’ve read this article earlier haha.

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