Screw Love: The Broke-Ass Anti-Valentine’s Day Round-Up

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There’s nothing quite like a slew of glittery cardboard hearts, strategically plastered throughout the lifeless windows of New York City’s retail stores, prepping themselves for that one day in February. There isn’t another imitation holiday that can arrogantly compete, nothing else that simply screams out: commercialized holiday bastardizing the idea of love for monetary gain through countless years of mainstream celebration of indoctrinated tactics. Don’t you just love Valentine’s Day?

Despite what companies like Hallmark would have you believe, love should be celebrated throughout the year, not just on one specific day because of events that took place centuries ago. I don’t know about you, but I’m not into observing a day whose origins may have been wrapped up in weird traditions, especially one which involved the killing of goats and dogs for the cruel purpose of using their hides to beat on women. Sure, I’d pay to see it for a good laugh, but it’s not my thing.

So here are your Broke-Ass Anti-Valentine’s Day Events!

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The Moth Story Slam: Love Hurts
Housing Works is hosting the Bookstore Café’s The Moth’s story telling slam, which includes three teams of judges picking a winner out of 10 depressing stories of hopeless romance.

The Moth Story Slam: Love Hurts
Tuesday, February 12th at 7pm
Price: $8
Bookstore Café
126 Crosby Street
[SoHo]

Valentine’s Day at Union Hall
Celebrate Valentine’s Day at Brooklyn’s Union Hall. First, take a look back at the most telling moments of love that occurred over the years with The Muppets with The Muppet Vault: Valentine’s Day . Thanks to the Muppet fan-site, ToughPigs.com, you can relive the awkward memories of Ms. Piggy’s sexual frustration mounting, as her seductively aggressive attempts to get froggy with Kermit epically fail.

If Muppet erotica isn’t your cup of tea, you can continue to have fun at Union Hall with Love Bites: The Power Ballads Sing-a-Long. Croon with fellow singles to the cheesiest love ballads ever, participate in an air guitar competition, a costume contest, and receive some FREE Valentine’s candy. Sounds like the perfect recipe to get laid, just so you can regret in the morning.

The Muppet Vault: Valentine’s Day
Thursday, February 14th at 7pm
Price: $8
Union Hall
702 Union Street & 5th Ave.
[Park Slope]

Love Bites: The Power Ballads Sing-a-Long
Thursday, February 14th at 9pm
Price: $8
Union Hall
702 Union Street & 5th Ave.
[Park Slope]

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Anti-Valentine’s Day Party
This event can double as an Anti-Valentine’s Day Party and an Anti-Broke-Ass Party. In order to be a part of this pricey mixer you’ll have to be 25 and over and shell out 30 bucks, which are donated to Bidawee, a non-profit organization that helps care for cats and dogs in search of “forever homes.” (Whatever that means.)

Expect to flirt (or deal with) up to 200 horny single men and women. Ladies receive FREE bellinis & mimosas from 6:30pm-7:30pm, FREE mini cupcakes for everyone and watch out for professional photographers. Also, if you deliver your best cheesy pick-up line to the bartender, you might get a FREE shot out of it. I would expect a lot of guys getting FREE shots. Don’t let me down, douchebags!

Anti-Valentine’s Day Party
Thursday, February 14th from 6:30pm-10:30pm
Price: $30
49 Grove
49 Grove Street
[West Village]

Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet Screening at La Gringa Taqueria

Our friends at Brooklyn’s La Gringa Taqueria will be hosting a Valentine’s Day screening of Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet starring Leonardo DiCaprio. The screening will take place under an authentic Army tent located in the backyard of the restaurant and features a wood-burning stove (for heat) and comfy seating. From what I hear, the intimate ambiance and comfy seating should set the mood for some amazing Mexican-style delicacies. Expect FREE cups of steaming hot chocolate and chocolate truffles after dinner.

Baz Luhrmann’s Romeo & Juliet Screening at La Gringa Taqueria
Thursday, February 14th at 7:30pm
Price: FREE
La Gringa Taqueria
800 Grand Street
[East Williamsburg]

What I Did For Love
Got a sense of humor? Check out how these comedians and improvisers ask an audience member about their love life, just to spin it around on stage and turn it into great laughs! The lineup includes: Tracey Wigfield (30 Rock, writer), Zhubin Parang (The Daily Show, writer), Abra Tabak (Grandma’s Ashes), and more!

What I Did For Love
Thursday, February 14th at 7:30pm
Price: $5
UCB Theater
153 East 3rd Street
[East Village]

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The Rejection Show Valentine’s Day Heartbreak Haven
The Rejection Show is taking place at Brooklyn’s Littlefield, and it’s celebrating the book, Rejected: Tales of the Failed, Dumped & Canceled for Valentine’s Day. This evening will be filled with some of the best breakup, heartbreak and love related performances and stories.

The Rejection Show Valentine’s Day Heartbreak Haven
Thursday, February 14th at 8pm
Price: $10-$12
Littlefield
622 Degraw Street
[Park Slope]

Photo Credit: forgottengrapes.com housingworks.org, onspeeddating.com and rejectionshow.com

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About the author

Enrique Grijalva - Mr. Minimum Wage

My father came, my mother saw...and I conquered. I encourage children to do drugs, I buy alcohol for teenagers, and I drink beer with the homeless. In my spare time, I attend art galleries for the FREE booze, I rub elbows with modish elephants, and I hammer six-inch nails into small penises. Stuart knighted me as Broke-Ass King of New York. You've been warned.

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