Rule of thumb: you can be poor, just don’t be annoying about it. Everyone’s trying to get by. Especially if you live in an outrageously expensive city such as New York or San Francisco. But if you do indeed live in such a city, then you know how utterly amazing it can be. And that’s why you hustle. That’s why you scrape by on your hands and knees. You hope that someday, the city will yield great things for you. And if it doesn’t, you’re grateful to be allowed in the gates, if only for a split second of life. But in the meantime, let’s face it – you’re a broke-ass. And there is a fine line between pulling off “charming frugal person” and “totally annoying, people are starting to avoid you, all-out mooch.” So, if you find yourself doing any of the following, you might want to check yo’self before you end up with no friends.
1. Do not ask to eat peoples’ leftovers unless they are specifically offered to you.
This may be common sense for most people, but you’d be surprised how much this happens to me. As a slow eater, there is nothing more annoying than people assuming I’m finished and taking small bites off of my plate because their fat ass has already finished theirs. And more annoying is blatantly asking to have the rest of my meal before it’s even finished. No, fool! First of all, if these were “leftovers,” they would be wrapped up in some sort of bag. Hence the fact they are still ON MY PLATE, they are not yet leftovers. Also, what if the eater of and payer for of the food (ME) wanted to eat said leftovers herself, at a later date? You know what? Now you’ve just ruined my appetite so just go ahead and take the damn food, you asshole.
2. The “I forgot my wallet” excuse works only like, once. Tops.
This is the oldest trick in the book, and thinner than a hooker’s bridal veil (read: nonexistent). If you are the type of person to ask for someone’s leftovers on more than one occasion, never use this phrase, like ever. By pulling this one out of the old hat, you are subtextually telling your friends that you think they are idiots, and they will eventually stop hanging out with you. And if they don’t, they actually are idiots and you guys probably deserve each other.
3. You are not above menial labor.
If you are a broke-ass, you are not allowed to bitch about a position you’ve been offered that does indeed pay spendable money. You cannot say things like, “I don’t want to work in food service anymore.” Bitch, you will get your ass in that kitchen and you will like it! Or hop to it and find yourself a better job. No one likes a complainer, so suck it up. You must be willing to do any of the following:
-pick up shit from any varying number of animals (including humans)
-work the “early as fuck” shift
-work the “so late it’s now early” shift
-in general, get your hands dirty
We’ve all been there, and if you can’t pay your dues and pick up shit/wash dishes/cater to condescending assholes with the rest of us, then you probably don’t deserve to climb the pay scale ladder anyway.
4. Pay your damn rent.
Although the rent here is indeed “too damn high,” it’s soooo not fair to ask your roommate (and friend) to spot your rent for you. If you can’t pay your $1,000 rent, move somewhere cheaper and get a subletter. Get someone to bunk with you. Get a second job. Get a sugar mama. Stop smoking so much weed. Do I really need to go on here?
5. Above all, quit complaining, loser!
Seriously, as I mentioned above, no one likes a complainer. Especially if your parents are now cutting you off but used to pay your $1,500 per month rent for you to live in a doorman/elevator building with a rooftop garden on the Williamsburg waterfront. Just suck it up and go to your dish washing job.
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