Why Starting a Cult is a Great Way to Stop Being Broke

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If this doesn’t convince you, then IDK.

I’m fucking broke, man. I’m broke. And Groupon/Lifebooker/whatever discount website is trendy right now, is not REALLY an app or a website, it is an addiction. In the perpetual quest for Patrick Bateman-style physical perfection that is this Hollywood life, I find myself getting tricked into compulsively purchasing mani-pedis that are probably the same price on Groupon as they are anywhere else. And it doesn’t stop there. Personal training sessions, cosmetic procedures, etc…To quote Tai from Clueless, “And my buns? They don’t feel nothin’ like steel.”

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 From Totalfilm.com

I digress. The pursuit of eradicating my insecurities has left my wallet (I don’t even have a wallet, really I’m not that together, so this is a metaphor FYI) really slim. On top of that, I just can’t see myself stripping (womp womp!) to make ends meet. So I think I’m moving on to the next practical choice – I’m going to start a cult. Before you get all PC on me, I’m just going to run down a quick list of FAQs in case you’re wondering what this is all about and why this is my ultimate destiny.

Q: “LIKE CHARLES MANSON?!!?!?!”

A: NOOOOO. No, man. No. What? No. RIP Sharon Tate, that whole thing was absolutely horrific and awful! She was a total babe.

But the part with the guitars and sunshine and the living on a rad, sleazy old western movie set was cool. So maybe that part. So maybe a little bit like Charlie, minus the blood and murder and stuff. And I have no problem with surfing.

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 Dear surfers – you dudes and babes are cool with me. XOXO, Chloe

 Q: “LIKE HEAVEN’S GATE?!?!?!!?!?!”

A: It’s past Labor Day. We will not be wearing white.

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Look at this dude. I am so much cuter than this dude.

Q: “Why not just be a Scientologist?”

A: Because that one movie sucked, L. Rob Hubbard was a shitty Sci-Fi author and I’d rather base a cult around the teachings of Nietzsche. It’s cooler and way more convincing and your parents are less likely to question your commitment to a philosopher than someone who believes ‘aliens are going to save us all’ or whatever it is that those creeps on Sunset are always BBQ’ing about. And also, it takes like a quajillion dollars to get anywhere in Scientology and I just told you I was broke.

Q: “Are you a sociopath?”

A: No. But I have harbored aspirations to be less emotional and all “waaaaaaa why don’t I have any friends, waaaaa I’m so fat, waaaaa somebody keyed my car” etc.

Q: “What’s your plan?”

A: I’m working on that, currently. Please refer to my ad on Craigslist for more info on where the cult is currently at/looking to be, structure-wise.

Q: “Why?”

A: OMG because I’m bored in my career or something? IDK what do you want me to say? I pretty much just want to be lazy and for people to worship me and give me all their shit. The only difference between me and those other guys is that I’m admitting it upfront.

Has this answered your questions? Do you care? Love this? Hate this? Are you a leader of a pre-existing cult that has some helpful, friendly advice? Leave it in the comments below. CULT PARTY!

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About the author

Chloe Newsom - Dive Bar Desperado

I like kittens, 40s, cupcakes, pizza, metal, thigh-highs, weekends, travelling, and parks. Lemmy is god. That's...that about covers it.
  • June

    “I’m super charismatic and pretty”

    “I have a very… taxing social life.”

    So, are you applying to co-lead?

    PS it’s not Nietzsche’s “Zarathustra” it’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”.
    Or “Thus Spake Zarathustra” if you want to get all technical about translation.